Let's talk about parenting today.
A few recent occurrences made me think a little deeper into this subject, raising a few questions in my mind.
Question 1 : what is parenting?
I don't know if there is a straight forward, one-fits-all answer. To me , parenting is a communication form with the child , where an adult is an authoritative statute acting in and for the benefit of the child. Now that I wrote that I think it sounds like a Wikipedia definition, but let's take a practical application to it.
Imagine this situation ( I am a visual person and this is a real life example from last week) :
Pediatrician's office. A child , let's call her Jane, about 3 years old is throwing the toys all over the place. Their turn seems to be upcoming.
The mother : "Jane, please, pick up all the toys".
Jane : " Nope. I don't want to".
The mother, begging: " Jane, pleeeeeease, pick up the toys..."
Jane : " I said NO!" stumping her foot.
The mother with the sigh : "Ok then, I will pick them up"...
and with a face expression that reads "my-life-is-so-hard-these-toddlers-are-unbearable" goes on to pick up the toys.
To some it may seem as an absurd and obvious situation, to others , it may look like a typical something out of their day, some may even think , reading this " this is why I don't want to have kids". Unfortunately, this "stencil" of a situation is something that I see rather often, but what is more worrisome to observe is the reaction of the surroundings. When the mother went to pick up those toys, she has received many sympathetic and understanding looks , if not all. Mine was the one of the amusement.
I am failing to see how a child ruling over the parent in even little things will listen to parent in a situation of an importance, and more so - an emergency. A parent - according to self-made definition - is a person of much love, fun, source of happiness, but authority nonetheless, whose statements are not to be questioned. That, in my opinion, is created, by, again, lots of love, kindness, but supported by unwavering firmness. The "keep calm, carry on" must have been created with the thoughts of parenting in mind, because it fits perfectly.
I am genuinely curious of your opinions on "Bringing up Bebe" Pamela Druckerman , if you have read or heard of it. I thought that her statements were simply common-sense parenting, but the more I come in contact with different parents, the more I am seeing WHY she wrote the book.
I would love to talk more about parenting.
Do you think the above mentioned example is ok? How much freedom is too much? How would you act in a similar situation? What do you see as a definition of a parenting?
Thank you for your post, Olya... as usual))) this is so important to me. Sometimes I really upset because of me as a parent... I think I'm too kind or too soft sometimes or too emanding at the same time... life is too complicated. And sometimes it drives me crazy how to do it the right way, to teach my kid to love and follow Jesus, to find a right way, to make a right choise... this is my everyday pain and thoughts...
ReplyDeleteI don't think that "too soft" is a bad thing at all! Kids are so different! With my little crew I know that there is a child that will understand me with my simply looking at her, and the other needs some different approach... I think that for as long as it brings the results you want - then it's definitely that "key" way :) I love seeing though a completely different prospective on a culture. I know for myself I could note those differences everywhere I lived . Applying it to parenting is so interesting! Why not take the best of all cultures, right?!
Delete"Bringing up Bebe" Pamela Druckerman - about what this book is?
ReplyDeleteit's a book from a non-french mother, that notices things that are so typical for a french parent ( i think it also very much relates to our culture, since France had a large impact on it for centuries! ) that make parenting simpler. I liked it. A lot.
DeleteYou make parenting extremely specific. The problem is that each parent might define parenting completely different. It's not black and white. A child's personality is constantly changing as well as the thoughts of the parents. It's a journey and life lesson. We are not in a position to know the mental state of a specific parent, and more importantly, the specific moments of their past. You're experience is your own. If you want honesty, I'm here to tell you to not make your experience rule your expectations of anyone else. An assessment with any ounce of truth will not ever be possible if you're judging others by your own experience. It's not fair or respectable, it's naive.
ReplyDeleteI will have to disagree. One has a right to all exploration one desires when one is not an active member of society, lay on an island :). When other people are affected by one's behavior or choices, one is responsible for following the basic guidelines that are equal to everyone. Basic rules of discipline, common sense and safe parenting are some of them :)
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ReplyDeleteThis is just an observation : those that seem to be so against judgement , are the ones that judge the most :) it's a shame that in my comment you see judging, but then again, we are prone to seeing what bothers us most :). Having you come and attack me here does you no good absolutely( as i have no idea who you are and have never met you) but I am sad to see how much anger and hatred are among those faithful Mormons. Your comment does not represent what the religion teaches many, but unfortunately, it has shown nothing but a very truthful and real practical application of it to life.:)
DeleteCowbella, I do not know you, nor do you seem to know Living Notes personally either, but right here when you say:
Delete"Judging others without ever seeing even one full day of what they do is what I was calling naive. Everyone does it and "everyone" is wrong."
You just contradicted yourself by somehow thinking that you can criticize and judge her by saying that she is judging parents.
I like this post and completely agree with the point you are getting across. I have to say that when I had my second son who is on the high end of the autistic spectrum my views did change. My son looks "normal" to the outside world but can not handle situations the same as other children. I would have though the same thing as you in the doctors office (and still do to a point) BUT we have no idea what the background is. So for that reason I've learned to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
ReplyDeleteShannon, by all means you are right - I think that there are obviously many exceptions. The "stencil" analogy is there purely as a "in general" example. That is why I find the book so facinating , as Pamela skillfully shows some differences in upbringing, and I can't help but wonder how much cultures affect it?
DeleteYes. I need to get this book. It sounds so interesting.
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ReplyDeleteShannon, I think you were agreeing with my assessment of children being different and therefore, parenting being different. My son is not diagnosed, but is obviously a very high functioning victim of Aspbergers. His differences are obvious to me, but to some of my brothers, he's just a whiny baby that can't control pain or anger. It's okay to feel a certain way (internal judgments) that we can't necessarily suppress because we have no way of understanding a stranger's actions. What's not okay, is lecturing a parent on what they did, specifically tell them they practice bad parenting skills, have the audacity to tell them the right way to parent, and then proceed to tell that person their child will absolutely grow up to hurt others and sit in jail if the parenting isn't changed. I would be a psychopath devoid of human emotion to not be sensitive of that type of judgment and actions.
ReplyDeleteCowbella, I don't know you, but from your posts, you appear to be taking this small article out on one persons perspective pretty personal. No where in what she posted did I take it as you are implying. You are saying that she is judgmental and naive, but aren't you judging them by saying that? She clearly states in the beginning of this post that to HER, parenting is a form of communication etc. She gives an example of a moment between a parent and a child in a Dr.'s office. Your response was a bit brutal to the post. It's sad to see forums where people come on here and take out their personal issues and offenses on another, but I couldn't stand by and not comment to a response that is so out of line to the post written. Be the kind of person you want others to be. Only then will you truly have influence. Calling other people judgmental and naive is not the way to resolve conflict. It's interesting how you are coming across in your posts. Above you are saying that you know what is ok, and what's not ok in regarding behaviot. But what one person may think is ok, another would not. The question we need to ask ourselves, is if we are confident in who we are, and how we live life, then why do get so easily offended when others make observations, express opinions?
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ReplyDeleteI have been reading the comments above and I couldn't avoid placing a comment. My wife and I have been reading and following Living Notes for some time, and it is completely baffling at the conclusions and comments that you (CowBella) have been making. It is quite confusing to see how you can extrapolate all the things you have said from a simple post about one person's OPINION on parenting styles. How is it possible that her observations of a child in a doctor's office caused the mother to break down and lead you to say, "You not only see destruction and harm to society, you see yourself fit to destroy any happiness that mother could have had that day. You made sure she'd cry herself to sleep on top of having a terrifying experience with her 4 year old."?
ReplyDeleteI completely fail to see how it the world you come up with these conclusions. It would take a psychopath to come up with this. You are somehow judging Living Notes by saying that she has made some random mother's day hard by simply observing her actions with her child in a doctor's office and then placing those observations in a very non threatening post and not identifying any people. Yet you come out clearly to state things to harm Living Notes and then claiming respect??? How??
I don't see how you expect to be taken seriously when somehow this post which is just speaking about different views and opinions has somehow triggered something in you and you feel justified in hurting the author by saying that she is somehow judging? I fail to understand anything of what you are doing here.