December 21, 2008

What Yeva taught me...

It will be 2 weeks in day since we had our little Yeva. This 2 weeks were simply amazing. I am still tearing up when I remember the birth. But even more so I am in awe of how much Yeva and having her has taught me and us. I was talking to my friend ( who was my midwife too ) Rachel, and there was a very interesting observation that I found. With this baby I wake up every time just a minute or two BEFORE she would start crying at night. She said that she had that with ALL her babies. It made me realize that it is the way of HOW the baby comes in to the world and connections that the mother and the baby develop at birth. This birth made so many things be possible - just like God and Nature intended them to be. I have a connection that even I don't completely understand completely yet. THis is the first for me. With my daughter, we set the alarm ti make sure we don't miss feedings. We had "baby toys" : monitors, baby bouncer, swaddling blankets, etc... Nothing really seemed to work too. Just for a few minutes or so. Justin was a hard baby - crying ALL the time, fussing, not wanting anything, spitting up all the time - you name it. I swore that I would not have another child. Time passed though, the hard things got forgotten, I loved being a mom every minute, despite of the difficulties, so I got pregnant again. Had Nadya, also early, just even more so. I haven't been able to hold her or even see my little baby's face until she was 2 days old. I could just touch her in her warmer at NICU, and even then not too much, as to "not overstimulate the baby". I never went home after they released me from the hospital. I just sat on the chair by her warmer for the whole time she was in NICU, just leaving to pump...I refused to go home, despite of doctors and nurses telling me that they will take best care of the baby, and it will be better for me to rest. Rest - possibly, but how could I when my baby was not with me at home? So , I stayed, and bugged everyone, until they finally got sick of me and let me take her home. She was only 4lbs, but Heaven bless this young pediatrician ( who was not even our doctor), that believed me and said that the baby will do better with mom at home. But the fact that I was not able to connect to the baby right away had its consequences ( as I now understand and see it so clearly). Nadya had hard time growing. Hardest time nursing. Even more so - not just nursing, EATING period. She was the tiniest baby forever. At 18 months she would easily pass for a 6 -9 month old baby. She was quiet , but scary quiet. She wouldn't let us know if there was something wrong. She would just shut down. I think I got more gray hair from Nadya's birth and first year then from the whole life all together. I spent every day and every minute caring for her , somewhere deep inside wondering, if this day may be the last. So , so scary. We made more doctor's visits with her ( just to make sure she's ok, to ease our minds ) , then with Justin all together.
Now, all this said, I found out recently that neither one of them had to be born early. What I was made to believe was a medical problem, was a liability issue, with medical community protecting their butts, not thinking twice of what the consequences would be for the babies. 2 and 3rd opinions ( both OBs! I wish I found them earlier!) BOTH confirmed the same thing - babies did NOT need to be born early. There was NO real reason. Yet I was made to believe the opposite. And I believed in it so much , I was grateful for doctors, "saving my babies lives" ,when in reality it was just simple "convenience". Convenience of paycheck and a vacation.

With Yeva the story is COMPLETELY different. I love her just as much as I love my other children, but I have a connection with her, that I longed for and never had with any other child. I wake up before she does to feed her. I know what she needs. I feel what's bothering her. I can tell if her grunting is the one of discomfort or the one of playing. I have a beautiful swing. I never use it. Well - never use it for the purpose of the swing, I do lay her down here for a few minutes when she is asleep, so that I can use 2 hands to make food. She sleeps with me , the bassinet is there for when I am really tired. I love holding her. I don't mind carrying her all day long. As a matter of fact, I would rather. I took her for a walk in the stroller, and I don't know who wanted it more : she , for me to pick her up, or I. Yeva slept most of the walk, waking up just as we were coming to the house, and did not like finding herself all alone wrapped in a blanket instead of my arms. I hated the fact that I couldn't pick her up. I never had that before. I know that it is the connection that we created during her birth. I know this is the connection that can only happen when mother truly experiences the birth as it is intended to be : pure, beautiful , REAL, without intervention, without someone butting in and robbing the mother of what God intended to be, by squishing the baby out, because the shift is ending. Yeva is also my first baby that does not have jaundice or has not lost any weight ( NONE , not even a 1/2 oz) since birth. She is 7 lb 5 oz today ( after eating), which means her weight is probably around 7-2, 7-3, which makes her gain 12-13 oz since birth. A little less then an ounce per day - perfect weight gain for the baby. She rapidly gained over the first few days ( just the opposite of hospital babies that I had - they both lost weight) , and slowed down a touch now. We had a two week checkup with our pediatrics, and she''s perfect!ol0 And the amazing thing is that I knew that before I was even told that. With my "hospital" babies I HAD to hear more then one doctor , and then read about everything, and then have about 100 blessings so that I could be at peace that my babies were ok. I think a huge part of it is the pregnancy too. I completed the pregnancy with Yeva : she CHOSE to come, noone forced her. I felt completed and ready to have her, although I LOVED being pregnant, and yes, at the beginning after she was born I missed my belly. But I feel in complete harmony now. I loved my belly at the end, yet I am happy to have the "belly tenant" in my arms now. I loved every minute of the last pregnancy days. I was ready for her, but it was a different "ready" comparing to the ones I heard before. I wasn't desperate for her to be out, because I hated being pregnant. No. I was ready for her because I loved her. I was ready to see her, yet I was also ready to wait as long as I needed for her to come. It always made me smile when people would tell me " oh , just hang in there, she is going to come, she won't be in there forever". I knew that all alone , and not for a minute did I NEED to hear that, because I loved waiting for her to meet her when SHE wanted to meet me . That is when I knew I was "ready". And I think it made a huge difference. I gave up my control - I let her chose her own way, and in return she does not control me. We work together, in a loving , amazingly beautiful way. I love holding her. I love kissing her. I love changing her diapers, I love feeding her, I love looking at her, I love sleeping by her and waking up to feed her, I love every minute of every day. I love having other children and seeing them loving her. I love seeing them fight and then hug and kiss. As much work as a newborn can be , I LOVE it, it does not make me exausted. Yes, I get tired, but it is a good kind of tired. I am happy to be so, because I love the reason for it.
Yeva truly changed my life. Our life. She brought us closer to God then we've ever been. She brought us close to wonderful people that we can truly call friends. Real friends. The ones that will love you the true way, the ones that will tell you bluntly if you are wrong, the ones that will laugh with you, and help you when you need help. The ones that will not judge you , no matter how messed up or perfect you are. The ones that will love and take you for what you are, just like Christ loves us. Gosh, we are so grateful. Yeva brought us to the place, where we truly were able to connect to DIvine, and for the first time understand what it really means. I with for everyone to experience this place. We both view church completely different. It is great - don't get me wrong - but you really see the truth that is in the gospel, NOT in the people. The truth that is there in every religion. The truth that makes us all even . There is no difference whether one is Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, Orthodox, or whatever, I believe. We believe. God loves us all, and for as long as we do our best, and WANT to stay close to Him, we will never be on the wrong path. It just is not possible. There is so much more that we see and understand. Scriptures open up beautifully. I see religion and faith as two completely different things now. I've met people of the same religion that we are , and we have nothing in common, and I met people of different religions and we have absolutely the same FAITH. Faith is what unites us all. Faith is what lays true in every religion. Faith is what opens our eyes. Faith is what makes miracles come true.
I don't know how long it would take us, if ever, to reach this place of harmony and understanding if I didn't HAVE TO start searching for more then just physical solutions while I was pregnant with Yeva.
I learned that the "pre-set" truths are lies. I learned that it is impossible to teach one spirituality, unless one is looking for it I learned that there is no right or wrong for as long as it comes from God. I learned , and loved, that everyone is wonderful and beautiful. I learned and truly feel that God loves us. Loves us all - a druggie, a drunkie, a perfect priest , everyone and anyone. He is there to help us. Always.I learned that even the most perfect person has issues that they are working on. I am still amazed at the fact that the people that I see as most loving , most kind and most spiritual do not see themselves as such, and keep working on their stuff to be better. It amazes me. And teaches me the true meaning of being Christlike. And I don't know if I would be there, if WE would be there, if it was not for Yeva leading me on this path. Thank you, my little sweet baby. Thank you for teaching me that there is no right or wrong in this life for as long as one does his/her best at what s/he knows is right.
It is funny, but even breastfeeding is different with Yeva. She does NOTHING of traditional "wide open mouth", "touch the cheek" , etc approach. She takes in the breast when she wants to - does not matter how much you touch her cheek, chin or nose, and she DOES NOT open her mouth wide , like the babies are "supposed to", YET i didn't have a sore nipple for a minute, she takes in plenty of tissue, and obviously is growing more then good. Here goes another cliche down in pieces.
I am enjoying every minute of this new way of learning and living. I am loving every moment of motherhood, now truly experiencing all of it. I am excited to go back to work when the time is right, but for now, this first few weeks , I am loving just being what I am meant to be, doing what I was intended to do : a mother, giving love and cherishing time with my children, giving them all they need for a happy life, just like our Heavenly Mother did before we came here. This is my time now.

PS Happy Anniversary to us TODAY!

December 10, 2008

My beautiful Evangelina, welcome!

Dec 8, 2008 at 11:49 pm we welcomed our beautiful Evangelina Margarita into this world, weighing 6lb 6 oz and 19 1/4 " tall. I had an AMAZING birth experience! I strongly believe, actually KNOW that preparation - emotional , spiritual and physical - equal in ALL areas is essential. It is essential for every aspect of life, but as we connect so close to Divine Power during birth, I believe that it is so important to be at peace and in harmony with everything. This is the way - as I see it - for our spirit to connect to God and Heavenly Mother more then ever as we are bringing one of Their sons or daughters into our world.

I am so ever grateful to Rachel, who helped me to learn so many new things. I am very grateful to Heavenly Father for leading me to her , and to everyone who was a part of the process. Thank you to all! The birth of my baby was so beautiful and so empowering, it brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. I wish sincerely for every woman to experience the same feelings that I have inside and have the birth that is right for them.

I started having contractions on Sunday. Nothing too-too regular, and since I already had at least 2 false alarms, I didn't even pay attention. I enjoyed the church, then the sweat lodge, wonderful food and conversation and didn't think twice about anything. Over night I kept dreaming about beautiful colors - never had that before - and woke up very invigorated, happy ( although not really looking forward to a VERY long day with my son's performance), and full of love. I felt so much LOVE for my husband - it is hard to explain. Later - when I was in labor - Rachel told me to snuggle with my husband , as the same energy of love that creates the baby, brings it here too. I immediately thought about morning. THAT is why it felt so different.
As we were getting ready to leave, I kept more and more realizing that my contractions are coming all the time , and regularly. I didn't time them yet, but started to realize that something is different now. I didn't want to get too excited though - the "what if false alarm" kept me pretty grounded. Then it started snowing . I ALWAYS imagined that I'd have this baby on the FIRST day it would snow in Dec! It was so cute when my almost 5 year old son saw the snow and said " Mommy, Christmas is coming! " and when I said that the baby would need to be born first, he came to me and said : Ok! Baby, can you come now?! We want Christmas! " Made me laugh, yet think too.
So, by around 11-30 I was pretty sure something was different. I called my midwife with a question , and then decided that , yes, it would be a good idea to give heads up to others ( she works with the partner and has an apprentice). And just as that quote that I posted a few weeks ago, once we commit, the universe provides. I felt complete assurance instantly that this is it.
By about 1 pm I met with my husband and he decided to time contractions. They were about 5 minutes apart. I realized that I am NOT going to my sons performance ( as I was helping backstage), Justin's sister was able to help ( THANK YOU!), and Justin and I headed home. The contractions were strong enough for me to be constantly reminded of them and for me to stop doing things, yet I felt that there would be a little bit before it would "hit". We wanted to have a homebirth. Lot's of people think that it is not safe, but that is not true. With good healthcare taker, good doctor/midwife you are in far better hands. After all - they all come to YOU only, and I am not even mentionion the "just in case " equipment that comes with them, all set and ready. Do your research - there is nothing like seeing it with your own eyes.
All through the labor Justin and I kept going in the awe :" This is AMAZING. SO much BETTER then the hospital! " As I had 2 hospital births, both inductions ( and at THAT time I thought that my hospital experience was not too bad. Until I started to learn to THINK for myself rather then follow what I was told ) I had a lot to compare to. Just being at home made my labor be so much easier. No monitors, no ties, no IVs, no shots - just me and my baby and my husband. Not for a second did I worry about my baby's well being. ( and i was going crazy following the monitors in the hospital ). Ability to be free to move - ahh, what a blessing! i felt the same intensity of contractions at 7-8 sm at home as I felt at 3-4 sm in the hospital. I will give credit to hypnobabies, but I didn't use them until the very end. There was just no need : being comfortable in my surroundings made a HUGE difference. Justin was all in the clouds . He would tell everyone who called him that he couldn't talk, because his wife was in labor :) : ) :) I love my husband. :)
So, we prepared everything : the bed, the towels and all the other stuff that you get in the hospital ( and that they literally charge you 1000 times MORE for, and you get it all for under $70 off the home birthing sites). I rested for a little , although by then it was rather uncomfortable. By 6: 45 I decided that I wanted Rachel here. I had 3 midwifes all to myself! :) How cool is that? You are lucky if you get 1 doctor through your labor - I don't think that ever happens though, unless the doctor is your family member.
To speed up things we went for a walk - sort of. The walk consisted of bout 50 feet and then me hanging on Justin thinking "open, open , open" and "peace" - my hypnobabies stuff - and me gradually getting lower and lower to the ground. Plus, the fact that I had to pee every 15 minutes didn't help either - we mostly walked up and down the hill on the nearest street. When finally, my "stops" became more like crawls on the ground, I figured it was about time to get back. Plus, the fact that it was freezing outside made "home" sound wonderful.
I didn't plan on waterbirth at all. I thought that I'd labor in water and deliver on the bed. But I didn't really have an objection to waterbirth either. I decided to go with the flow and see what my body would want. Through the whole labor I was kind of thinking that I would not even want to labor in the tub - I felt nice and comforted by what I had around. By the time I was 7-8 sm though, the thought of warm water was very appealing. Justin filled the tub, and once I got in, I felt SO MUCH pressure to just go away. I loved the feeling. The contractions were there , but they were not nearly as intense and I felt them on the "dry" ground. With the hypnobabies affirmations cd in my ears I even wondered if it was normal to feel so good. Don't get me wrong : I FELT the contractions, but I loved feeling them. Not to sound self-distractive or anything, but I welcomed every single one of them. I don't know , whether it was the fact of hypnobabies, or emotional work, or the fact that I never had the real labor before , or it is all the factors together( which is what i believe was the truth), but I loved my contractions.
There was a moment during the transition that it really was hard, but a huge part of it ( I think) was that I didn't have the urge to push : i just consciously pushed because I knew I needed to. I still can't understand why I didn't feel like pushing. I'll figure it out before the next one :) When the head crowned though, everything else became absolutely easy : no pain, no pushing , nothing - my body just did the work. I cannot express my feelings in words - there are no words - of how wonderful and AMAZING it feels to have your baby come, to feel the little head coming into this world, and then seeing it , taking the body into your OWN arms and bringing the baby to your chest. Every woman deserves and needs to feel this. Doctors truly rob us of this joy. The LOVE and CONNECTION that appears the moment you feel your baby is something that cannot be described.
I am so ever grateful to Rachel for re-creating the power within me. I went from being freaked out to move, to having complete confidence that in case we had to deliver the baby ourselves, we would be able to do that. ( Although I DID want her to be there :) And I am happy she was ) My little girl was born at 11;49 - just 10 minutes away from the new day! Interesting enough, that a few days before I wrote in my pregnancy journal that I planned on having the baby before or on, but not later then Dec 8, 08. Sure enough! The power of believe, thought, words and prayer is amazing.
I lost a little bit of blood after the delivery - the same reason I bled at the beginning too : the way my placenta formed and attached - and that is when I learned for myself, that had I NOT followed the inner feelings and continued with my "safe and proven " hospital program, I think neither I nor my baby would be here right now. Yeva ( short for Evangelina in Ukraine, and that is what we are calling our little girl ) had a very short cord that she HAD wrapped around her neck , and that UNWRAPPED within the last couple of weeks. If I went with the doctors, i would NEVER make it to these last "couple of weeks". The fact that the cord was short was also UNKNOWN. I was told that she had a VERY LONG cord according to the U/S. With this "100% accuracy" ( as my doctor AND perinatologist assured me) I would be INDUCED, which means that somewhere during the delivery either the cord would get much too tight for the baby to be able to get enough oxygen or the placenta would tear off earlier. Results of both are terrible enough for me not to want to write them. And then the fact of induction. Pitocin makes one bleed more and contract harder. In my situation that would be a straight path for transfusion in the best case scenario. None of this happened. THANK YOU, God and Rachel. To God - for inspiring me and showing me the right way. To Rachel - for being responsive to inspirations and acting on them. Through just 5 weeks that I had with Rachel, she taught me SO MUCH, and made me understand SO MUCH - things that may have sounded crazy to others. But the truth was that there was no time to be fooling around : I had 5 weeks to do everything that a regular person would have at least 8 months for. And it all paid off miraculously : a beautiful healthy baby, beautiful birth, and so much knowledge and realization. This is truly the best experience in my life. There is nothing that compares to it. Everything I learned, knew and loved came together at one moment. I felt complete and happy. And now I am on a new path of discovery of joy of natural and truly spiritual upbringing of my children, joyful living, true love and conscious conception.

PS : I am just realizing that the way I feel ( physically ) is AMAZING. My baby is barely over a day old, I would not even be home from the hospital yet. Comparing to the other 2 births , I feel like I can run a marathon. Yes, I am tired, yes, I feel that my body delivered a baby, BUT I feel great - just like you WOULD feel after running a marathon : tired, worn out, but GREAT. I am really looking forward to applying 100% of everything I learned and more for the next birth, and having another wonderful experience.

December 04, 2008

Whoever said durian doesn't mix...

Just proved them WRONG!!!!

Absolutely FANTASTIC , delicious desert :

a dash of vanilla
a little fresh lemon juice ( just squeeze the lemon)

VItamix everything! It is DELICIOUS! Lemon actually brings up the sweetness of durian. Persimmons add beautiful texture. We also loved serving it with strawberries or frozen mixed berries. Absolute HEAVEN!!!

December 02, 2008

Closing. Email - I'll add you in!

Sorry to everyone - due to lots' of rude comments I decided to close this blog in hope that it will keep the ill-wishers out, and the blog clean. I love you all - and hope that you will email me with your info , so that I can add you in.
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