December 21, 2008

What Yeva taught me...

It will be 2 weeks in day since we had our little Yeva. This 2 weeks were simply amazing. I am still tearing up when I remember the birth. But even more so I am in awe of how much Yeva and having her has taught me and us. I was talking to my friend ( who was my midwife too ) Rachel, and there was a very interesting observation that I found. With this baby I wake up every time just a minute or two BEFORE she would start crying at night. She said that she had that with ALL her babies. It made me realize that it is the way of HOW the baby comes in to the world and connections that the mother and the baby develop at birth. This birth made so many things be possible - just like God and Nature intended them to be. I have a connection that even I don't completely understand completely yet. THis is the first for me. With my daughter, we set the alarm ti make sure we don't miss feedings. We had "baby toys" : monitors, baby bouncer, swaddling blankets, etc... Nothing really seemed to work too. Just for a few minutes or so. Justin was a hard baby - crying ALL the time, fussing, not wanting anything, spitting up all the time - you name it. I swore that I would not have another child. Time passed though, the hard things got forgotten, I loved being a mom every minute, despite of the difficulties, so I got pregnant again. Had Nadya, also early, just even more so. I haven't been able to hold her or even see my little baby's face until she was 2 days old. I could just touch her in her warmer at NICU, and even then not too much, as to "not overstimulate the baby". I never went home after they released me from the hospital. I just sat on the chair by her warmer for the whole time she was in NICU, just leaving to pump...I refused to go home, despite of doctors and nurses telling me that they will take best care of the baby, and it will be better for me to rest. Rest - possibly, but how could I when my baby was not with me at home? So , I stayed, and bugged everyone, until they finally got sick of me and let me take her home. She was only 4lbs, but Heaven bless this young pediatrician ( who was not even our doctor), that believed me and said that the baby will do better with mom at home. But the fact that I was not able to connect to the baby right away had its consequences ( as I now understand and see it so clearly). Nadya had hard time growing. Hardest time nursing. Even more so - not just nursing, EATING period. She was the tiniest baby forever. At 18 months she would easily pass for a 6 -9 month old baby. She was quiet , but scary quiet. She wouldn't let us know if there was something wrong. She would just shut down. I think I got more gray hair from Nadya's birth and first year then from the whole life all together. I spent every day and every minute caring for her , somewhere deep inside wondering, if this day may be the last. So , so scary. We made more doctor's visits with her ( just to make sure she's ok, to ease our minds ) , then with Justin all together.
Now, all this said, I found out recently that neither one of them had to be born early. What I was made to believe was a medical problem, was a liability issue, with medical community protecting their butts, not thinking twice of what the consequences would be for the babies. 2 and 3rd opinions ( both OBs! I wish I found them earlier!) BOTH confirmed the same thing - babies did NOT need to be born early. There was NO real reason. Yet I was made to believe the opposite. And I believed in it so much , I was grateful for doctors, "saving my babies lives" ,when in reality it was just simple "convenience". Convenience of paycheck and a vacation.

With Yeva the story is COMPLETELY different. I love her just as much as I love my other children, but I have a connection with her, that I longed for and never had with any other child. I wake up before she does to feed her. I know what she needs. I feel what's bothering her. I can tell if her grunting is the one of discomfort or the one of playing. I have a beautiful swing. I never use it. Well - never use it for the purpose of the swing, I do lay her down here for a few minutes when she is asleep, so that I can use 2 hands to make food. She sleeps with me , the bassinet is there for when I am really tired. I love holding her. I don't mind carrying her all day long. As a matter of fact, I would rather. I took her for a walk in the stroller, and I don't know who wanted it more : she , for me to pick her up, or I. Yeva slept most of the walk, waking up just as we were coming to the house, and did not like finding herself all alone wrapped in a blanket instead of my arms. I hated the fact that I couldn't pick her up. I never had that before. I know that it is the connection that we created during her birth. I know this is the connection that can only happen when mother truly experiences the birth as it is intended to be : pure, beautiful , REAL, without intervention, without someone butting in and robbing the mother of what God intended to be, by squishing the baby out, because the shift is ending. Yeva is also my first baby that does not have jaundice or has not lost any weight ( NONE , not even a 1/2 oz) since birth. She is 7 lb 5 oz today ( after eating), which means her weight is probably around 7-2, 7-3, which makes her gain 12-13 oz since birth. A little less then an ounce per day - perfect weight gain for the baby. She rapidly gained over the first few days ( just the opposite of hospital babies that I had - they both lost weight) , and slowed down a touch now. We had a two week checkup with our pediatrics, and she''s perfect!ol0 And the amazing thing is that I knew that before I was even told that. With my "hospital" babies I HAD to hear more then one doctor , and then read about everything, and then have about 100 blessings so that I could be at peace that my babies were ok. I think a huge part of it is the pregnancy too. I completed the pregnancy with Yeva : she CHOSE to come, noone forced her. I felt completed and ready to have her, although I LOVED being pregnant, and yes, at the beginning after she was born I missed my belly. But I feel in complete harmony now. I loved my belly at the end, yet I am happy to have the "belly tenant" in my arms now. I loved every minute of the last pregnancy days. I was ready for her, but it was a different "ready" comparing to the ones I heard before. I wasn't desperate for her to be out, because I hated being pregnant. No. I was ready for her because I loved her. I was ready to see her, yet I was also ready to wait as long as I needed for her to come. It always made me smile when people would tell me " oh , just hang in there, she is going to come, she won't be in there forever". I knew that all alone , and not for a minute did I NEED to hear that, because I loved waiting for her to meet her when SHE wanted to meet me . That is when I knew I was "ready". And I think it made a huge difference. I gave up my control - I let her chose her own way, and in return she does not control me. We work together, in a loving , amazingly beautiful way. I love holding her. I love kissing her. I love changing her diapers, I love feeding her, I love looking at her, I love sleeping by her and waking up to feed her, I love every minute of every day. I love having other children and seeing them loving her. I love seeing them fight and then hug and kiss. As much work as a newborn can be , I LOVE it, it does not make me exausted. Yes, I get tired, but it is a good kind of tired. I am happy to be so, because I love the reason for it.
Yeva truly changed my life. Our life. She brought us closer to God then we've ever been. She brought us close to wonderful people that we can truly call friends. Real friends. The ones that will love you the true way, the ones that will tell you bluntly if you are wrong, the ones that will laugh with you, and help you when you need help. The ones that will not judge you , no matter how messed up or perfect you are. The ones that will love and take you for what you are, just like Christ loves us. Gosh, we are so grateful. Yeva brought us to the place, where we truly were able to connect to DIvine, and for the first time understand what it really means. I with for everyone to experience this place. We both view church completely different. It is great - don't get me wrong - but you really see the truth that is in the gospel, NOT in the people. The truth that is there in every religion. The truth that makes us all even . There is no difference whether one is Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, Orthodox, or whatever, I believe. We believe. God loves us all, and for as long as we do our best, and WANT to stay close to Him, we will never be on the wrong path. It just is not possible. There is so much more that we see and understand. Scriptures open up beautifully. I see religion and faith as two completely different things now. I've met people of the same religion that we are , and we have nothing in common, and I met people of different religions and we have absolutely the same FAITH. Faith is what unites us all. Faith is what lays true in every religion. Faith is what opens our eyes. Faith is what makes miracles come true.
I don't know how long it would take us, if ever, to reach this place of harmony and understanding if I didn't HAVE TO start searching for more then just physical solutions while I was pregnant with Yeva.
I learned that the "pre-set" truths are lies. I learned that it is impossible to teach one spirituality, unless one is looking for it I learned that there is no right or wrong for as long as it comes from God. I learned , and loved, that everyone is wonderful and beautiful. I learned and truly feel that God loves us. Loves us all - a druggie, a drunkie, a perfect priest , everyone and anyone. He is there to help us. Always.I learned that even the most perfect person has issues that they are working on. I am still amazed at the fact that the people that I see as most loving , most kind and most spiritual do not see themselves as such, and keep working on their stuff to be better. It amazes me. And teaches me the true meaning of being Christlike. And I don't know if I would be there, if WE would be there, if it was not for Yeva leading me on this path. Thank you, my little sweet baby. Thank you for teaching me that there is no right or wrong in this life for as long as one does his/her best at what s/he knows is right.
It is funny, but even breastfeeding is different with Yeva. She does NOTHING of traditional "wide open mouth", "touch the cheek" , etc approach. She takes in the breast when she wants to - does not matter how much you touch her cheek, chin or nose, and she DOES NOT open her mouth wide , like the babies are "supposed to", YET i didn't have a sore nipple for a minute, she takes in plenty of tissue, and obviously is growing more then good. Here goes another cliche down in pieces.
I am enjoying every minute of this new way of learning and living. I am loving every moment of motherhood, now truly experiencing all of it. I am excited to go back to work when the time is right, but for now, this first few weeks , I am loving just being what I am meant to be, doing what I was intended to do : a mother, giving love and cherishing time with my children, giving them all they need for a happy life, just like our Heavenly Mother did before we came here. This is my time now.

PS Happy Anniversary to us TODAY!

December 10, 2008

My beautiful Evangelina, welcome!

Dec 8, 2008 at 11:49 pm we welcomed our beautiful Evangelina Margarita into this world, weighing 6lb 6 oz and 19 1/4 " tall. I had an AMAZING birth experience! I strongly believe, actually KNOW that preparation - emotional , spiritual and physical - equal in ALL areas is essential. It is essential for every aspect of life, but as we connect so close to Divine Power during birth, I believe that it is so important to be at peace and in harmony with everything. This is the way - as I see it - for our spirit to connect to God and Heavenly Mother more then ever as we are bringing one of Their sons or daughters into our world.

I am so ever grateful to Rachel, who helped me to learn so many new things. I am very grateful to Heavenly Father for leading me to her , and to everyone who was a part of the process. Thank you to all! The birth of my baby was so beautiful and so empowering, it brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. I wish sincerely for every woman to experience the same feelings that I have inside and have the birth that is right for them.

I started having contractions on Sunday. Nothing too-too regular, and since I already had at least 2 false alarms, I didn't even pay attention. I enjoyed the church, then the sweat lodge, wonderful food and conversation and didn't think twice about anything. Over night I kept dreaming about beautiful colors - never had that before - and woke up very invigorated, happy ( although not really looking forward to a VERY long day with my son's performance), and full of love. I felt so much LOVE for my husband - it is hard to explain. Later - when I was in labor - Rachel told me to snuggle with my husband , as the same energy of love that creates the baby, brings it here too. I immediately thought about morning. THAT is why it felt so different.
As we were getting ready to leave, I kept more and more realizing that my contractions are coming all the time , and regularly. I didn't time them yet, but started to realize that something is different now. I didn't want to get too excited though - the "what if false alarm" kept me pretty grounded. Then it started snowing . I ALWAYS imagined that I'd have this baby on the FIRST day it would snow in Dec! It was so cute when my almost 5 year old son saw the snow and said " Mommy, Christmas is coming! " and when I said that the baby would need to be born first, he came to me and said : Ok! Baby, can you come now?! We want Christmas! " Made me laugh, yet think too.
So, by around 11-30 I was pretty sure something was different. I called my midwife with a question , and then decided that , yes, it would be a good idea to give heads up to others ( she works with the partner and has an apprentice). And just as that quote that I posted a few weeks ago, once we commit, the universe provides. I felt complete assurance instantly that this is it.
By about 1 pm I met with my husband and he decided to time contractions. They were about 5 minutes apart. I realized that I am NOT going to my sons performance ( as I was helping backstage), Justin's sister was able to help ( THANK YOU!), and Justin and I headed home. The contractions were strong enough for me to be constantly reminded of them and for me to stop doing things, yet I felt that there would be a little bit before it would "hit". We wanted to have a homebirth. Lot's of people think that it is not safe, but that is not true. With good healthcare taker, good doctor/midwife you are in far better hands. After all - they all come to YOU only, and I am not even mentionion the "just in case " equipment that comes with them, all set and ready. Do your research - there is nothing like seeing it with your own eyes.
All through the labor Justin and I kept going in the awe :" This is AMAZING. SO much BETTER then the hospital! " As I had 2 hospital births, both inductions ( and at THAT time I thought that my hospital experience was not too bad. Until I started to learn to THINK for myself rather then follow what I was told ) I had a lot to compare to. Just being at home made my labor be so much easier. No monitors, no ties, no IVs, no shots - just me and my baby and my husband. Not for a second did I worry about my baby's well being. ( and i was going crazy following the monitors in the hospital ). Ability to be free to move - ahh, what a blessing! i felt the same intensity of contractions at 7-8 sm at home as I felt at 3-4 sm in the hospital. I will give credit to hypnobabies, but I didn't use them until the very end. There was just no need : being comfortable in my surroundings made a HUGE difference. Justin was all in the clouds . He would tell everyone who called him that he couldn't talk, because his wife was in labor :) : ) :) I love my husband. :)
So, we prepared everything : the bed, the towels and all the other stuff that you get in the hospital ( and that they literally charge you 1000 times MORE for, and you get it all for under $70 off the home birthing sites). I rested for a little , although by then it was rather uncomfortable. By 6: 45 I decided that I wanted Rachel here. I had 3 midwifes all to myself! :) How cool is that? You are lucky if you get 1 doctor through your labor - I don't think that ever happens though, unless the doctor is your family member.
To speed up things we went for a walk - sort of. The walk consisted of bout 50 feet and then me hanging on Justin thinking "open, open , open" and "peace" - my hypnobabies stuff - and me gradually getting lower and lower to the ground. Plus, the fact that I had to pee every 15 minutes didn't help either - we mostly walked up and down the hill on the nearest street. When finally, my "stops" became more like crawls on the ground, I figured it was about time to get back. Plus, the fact that it was freezing outside made "home" sound wonderful.
I didn't plan on waterbirth at all. I thought that I'd labor in water and deliver on the bed. But I didn't really have an objection to waterbirth either. I decided to go with the flow and see what my body would want. Through the whole labor I was kind of thinking that I would not even want to labor in the tub - I felt nice and comforted by what I had around. By the time I was 7-8 sm though, the thought of warm water was very appealing. Justin filled the tub, and once I got in, I felt SO MUCH pressure to just go away. I loved the feeling. The contractions were there , but they were not nearly as intense and I felt them on the "dry" ground. With the hypnobabies affirmations cd in my ears I even wondered if it was normal to feel so good. Don't get me wrong : I FELT the contractions, but I loved feeling them. Not to sound self-distractive or anything, but I welcomed every single one of them. I don't know , whether it was the fact of hypnobabies, or emotional work, or the fact that I never had the real labor before , or it is all the factors together( which is what i believe was the truth), but I loved my contractions.
There was a moment during the transition that it really was hard, but a huge part of it ( I think) was that I didn't have the urge to push : i just consciously pushed because I knew I needed to. I still can't understand why I didn't feel like pushing. I'll figure it out before the next one :) When the head crowned though, everything else became absolutely easy : no pain, no pushing , nothing - my body just did the work. I cannot express my feelings in words - there are no words - of how wonderful and AMAZING it feels to have your baby come, to feel the little head coming into this world, and then seeing it , taking the body into your OWN arms and bringing the baby to your chest. Every woman deserves and needs to feel this. Doctors truly rob us of this joy. The LOVE and CONNECTION that appears the moment you feel your baby is something that cannot be described.
I am so ever grateful to Rachel for re-creating the power within me. I went from being freaked out to move, to having complete confidence that in case we had to deliver the baby ourselves, we would be able to do that. ( Although I DID want her to be there :) And I am happy she was ) My little girl was born at 11;49 - just 10 minutes away from the new day! Interesting enough, that a few days before I wrote in my pregnancy journal that I planned on having the baby before or on, but not later then Dec 8, 08. Sure enough! The power of believe, thought, words and prayer is amazing.
I lost a little bit of blood after the delivery - the same reason I bled at the beginning too : the way my placenta formed and attached - and that is when I learned for myself, that had I NOT followed the inner feelings and continued with my "safe and proven " hospital program, I think neither I nor my baby would be here right now. Yeva ( short for Evangelina in Ukraine, and that is what we are calling our little girl ) had a very short cord that she HAD wrapped around her neck , and that UNWRAPPED within the last couple of weeks. If I went with the doctors, i would NEVER make it to these last "couple of weeks". The fact that the cord was short was also UNKNOWN. I was told that she had a VERY LONG cord according to the U/S. With this "100% accuracy" ( as my doctor AND perinatologist assured me) I would be INDUCED, which means that somewhere during the delivery either the cord would get much too tight for the baby to be able to get enough oxygen or the placenta would tear off earlier. Results of both are terrible enough for me not to want to write them. And then the fact of induction. Pitocin makes one bleed more and contract harder. In my situation that would be a straight path for transfusion in the best case scenario. None of this happened. THANK YOU, God and Rachel. To God - for inspiring me and showing me the right way. To Rachel - for being responsive to inspirations and acting on them. Through just 5 weeks that I had with Rachel, she taught me SO MUCH, and made me understand SO MUCH - things that may have sounded crazy to others. But the truth was that there was no time to be fooling around : I had 5 weeks to do everything that a regular person would have at least 8 months for. And it all paid off miraculously : a beautiful healthy baby, beautiful birth, and so much knowledge and realization. This is truly the best experience in my life. There is nothing that compares to it. Everything I learned, knew and loved came together at one moment. I felt complete and happy. And now I am on a new path of discovery of joy of natural and truly spiritual upbringing of my children, joyful living, true love and conscious conception.

PS : I am just realizing that the way I feel ( physically ) is AMAZING. My baby is barely over a day old, I would not even be home from the hospital yet. Comparing to the other 2 births , I feel like I can run a marathon. Yes, I am tired, yes, I feel that my body delivered a baby, BUT I feel great - just like you WOULD feel after running a marathon : tired, worn out, but GREAT. I am really looking forward to applying 100% of everything I learned and more for the next birth, and having another wonderful experience.

December 04, 2008

Whoever said durian doesn't mix...

Just proved them WRONG!!!!

Absolutely FANTASTIC , delicious desert :

a dash of vanilla
a little fresh lemon juice ( just squeeze the lemon)

VItamix everything! It is DELICIOUS! Lemon actually brings up the sweetness of durian. Persimmons add beautiful texture. We also loved serving it with strawberries or frozen mixed berries. Absolute HEAVEN!!!

December 02, 2008

Closing. Email - I'll add you in!

Sorry to everyone - due to lots' of rude comments I decided to close this blog in hope that it will keep the ill-wishers out, and the blog clean. I love you all - and hope that you will email me with your info , so that I can add you in.

November 19, 2008

My first tag

Ok, Lori-ann tagged me :)
6 quirks of mine :

* I walk everywhere :
I mean EVERYWHERE. My car - is my stroller. Reasons? Many. One car for the family of 5 ( very, very soon ) is one of them. Ecology - another. HEALTH - the biggest. My kids are learning too. My almost 5 year old makes 10 miles a day - no sweat. He runs most of it.

* I eat living foods only :
Raw - is the translation, but I like the word "living" better. It is not just me - we all do. Why? It is natural, it makes us feel great , it has great health benefits and it tastes GREAT!

* I can't stand a day without dance, yet I am happy when we get a "cancelled" day. Isn't that weird? Dance is my stress relief. The harder I work, the better I feel - even the most stressful days transform.

* I don't feel normal if I don't feel sore. Even when pregnant. The hardest time I had was when I had to go on the bedrest for a little bit with this pregnancy. I just can't stand the "normal" feeling.

* I am a clean freak. I cannot stand messy house. Drives me CRAZY. Stresses me out. Everyone in the household is trained by now - want happy mommy/wife : CLEAN.

* I can't stand sitting in the house. I HAVE to get out, at least for 3-4 hours. I have to be on the run all the time to be happy. I love the "crash" days, but only if there are no more then 1 a month. We all get super-tired by the end of the week, but if we get more then 1 day of "non-craziness" we don't know what to do with it.

* An extra one : I can't stand being away from my kids. I feel that children-parent relationship is very important. I homeschool. I take them to work with me. I take them shopping. We clean together. We do everything together. I love having moment to myself, but just a moment. A day is way too long.

Whom am I tagging? Everyone who reads this!

You decide...

My sister-in-law posted the pictures of her projected babies form So , I thought I'd try and see how accurate the projection would be for the two kids we already have :) Here is a picture of Justin-projected-to-be.

And here is a picture of what Justin ended up being :

Here is a picture of Nadya-projected-to-be:

And here is a picture of Nadya as of living :

So, you decide... :) It looks like to my eyes, that Nature definitely did not agree with the 90% accuracy of
I guess, we keep gettin' the weird 10%. :)

November 18, 2008

Livin' an learnin'

We've been very blessed to be able to learn more about different cultures over the years, their traditions and believes. Recently we came in contract with Native American culture and tradition. AND WE LOVE everything we see and learn! It is amazing, really eye opening how the core believes of different cultures - whether from the east, middle east, west or anywhere in the world for that matter, are the same. We had such an amazing experience really connect and see how all the cultures are the same to God and Christ. That there truly IS no difference whether is it an arab, or chinese , or russian , or american - the LOVE OF GOD and FAITH in Him unites us all. We are blessed with such wonderful friends too, that - for once - are not expecting anything, are not judging, and are so loving. We were really learning about our Saviour, and His love is so real it is almost frightening to understand it ( at least to me) I really understand "the fear of God" statement from the scriptures. It is not that He is scary. But it is US that are afraid to accept Him and His love when we understand how absolutely real it is. Learning about other cultures really helped us to connect to Him on a much, much deeper level, and all the things we already knew ( or so we thought) took us to a much deeper understanding. There is one profound truth to all of this - the more I learn , the less I know.

November 14, 2008

Beauty of living

I meant to for a long time , but never got around to posting this wonderful quote by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe :

"Until one is committed
there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back,
always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative
there is one elementary truth,
the ignorance of which kills countless ideas
and splendid plans:
That the moment one definitely commits oneself,
then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one
that would otherwise never have occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
raising in ones favor all manner
of unforeseen incidents and meetings
and material assistance,
which no wo/man could have dreamt would have come
her/his way".

I cannot agree more to these words! It is the idea of our Divine Creator that we chose what we want and commit ourselves , not matter how difficult, how strange or unexpected things are . We are expected to try the unexpected so that we give Him opportunity to show His love for us. I call it FAITH, others call it providence, universe... Whatever the name is, it is the same thing. The one and only thing that brings us closer to our Creator and allows us to discover who we really are.

November 12, 2008

Why we love Obama and hate current medical system...

This is why I HATE medical system. All my pregnancy was nothing , but frustration with medical system. Why I went there in the first place? Well, let's just put it this way : blown away a little by a rough beginning, too stressed out to think, desperate for solution. Since my 2 previous pregnancies were "high risk" ( as I found out later FAR from being so, don't I love doctors by now?) , I just dived again, thinking that "so it is my fate...". Well, I am SO GRATEFUL that God led me to WONDERFUL people that helped me to see things the way they actually are. For the first time I am actually happy being pregnant, baby is doing great, etc. SO. Back to medical system - and let me tell you - MEDICAL SYSTEM has nothing to do with MEDICINE. I got a bill today , before the insurance, for $1700. And then Justin and I look at the dates, and realize that this amount only takes care of less then 2 weeks length of time! And THEN I realize , that all those tests I DID NOT want to have and was really frustrated by , is what the bill isi FOR!!! Now, the BEST part is , that there was one day, where I went in feeling GREAT and the baby was doing GREAT. Apparently, the fact that I came in and the baby decided to sleep at the same time they decided to run tests was not a good reason for waiting for the baby to be awake. And so , they freak out the baby, cause me to have contractions (, now not the baby, BUT I go in severe emotional distress ), and then , guess what???? They charge me OVER $650 for it!!!! And then add to it that they do the ultrasound ( and I cannot see HOW they could, but they obviously can) , and charge me $140-$160 for just switching the position of the U/S machine that I didn't need in the first place!!! Oh, pure frustration.

All I can say, is that I REALLY am excited about all the changes Obama wants to make. Doctors need to start THINKING ABOUT PEOPLE, rather then themselves and money. Needless to say - I am not showing neither my face, nor definitely my belly at perinatology ever again. Or any "system" doctor for that matter.

Cloth, cloth and Dipees!

So, I officially made up my mind 100% to do cloth diapers all the way with this baby. A little bit of a history : I tried with my older 2, and while it was great for a little bit, then things would get crazy. I LEARNED that EDUCATION in every area, INCLUDING DIAPERS is VITAL FOR SUCCESS! I found out , while researching more and educating myself more on cloth diapers, that I WAS DOING IT ALL WRONG in the first place. Yes, I read the instructions that came with the diapers on how to wash them, and I thought I did it right - best "greenest" laundry detergent, etc, etc. It turns out that you have to be careful with those, as many have ingredients that while safe and natural, but will clog your diapers causing it to LEAK. Plus the fact that you have to prewash unused diapers for the best absorbancy... That way you will never have leaks. Yeah.... I wish I was smarter then to read more. I just figured that the leaky part is just a part of a cloth , and finally I got tired of them. So, now that the lesson was learned, I went and found a few good old diapees from my son, when he was a toddler, washed and preped them , and put my 2 year old in them. And -SUCCESS - NO leaks, BETTER absorbancy, and she is NOT happy with being wet ( I am not really suffering to make sure she has all sorts of "feel dry" cloth liners , that I have for a baby - I WANT her to be uncomfortable, so she can get potty trained faster) , and she much rather prefers to try and use a potty on time ( Hooray! It's been a little of a challenge with her...) . So, yeah, I officially completely made up my mind, and feel a little not so smart for not doing the educating job properly before But believe me - i surely did now. I found some amazing diapers, that are an absolute beauty, and a breeze to use, plus, cannot tell you more about the fact of money saving here! But the main reasons for using cloth is the baby/child itself. When my little son was less then a year old, we started researching in that whole "why cloth" thing. And there were quite a few shocking things that we found out. While it is OK to use a disposable on occasion ( like going out, and really not wanting to bother with taking a change + the bag to hold the soiled one ) , it is really NOT good for the baby/child to be sitting in it 24/7 for at least good 2 years. Why - just google, it will be a VERY long post if I start naming the reasons. Even when we went back to disposables, we started using the G-diapers ( which are half disposable/half reusable)
Those , at least were safe, but they did cost - just as diapers would. But there is one thing that I am going to post : Just do an experiment. Take a new diaper ( huggies, pampers, or anything else), cut it in half, and then put a half of diaper on the palm of your hand and take a glass of VERY cold water and pour it on the diaper. And then observe your reaction of shock. The very , very cold water that you were pouring on your diapers will not be feeling cold on your hand at all. The diaper will be VERY worm, and if some of the pieces fall out on your hand, they will be HOT. It is because of CHEMICAL REACTIONS that are happening to make the absorbency possible. Now think - this chemical reaction is skin tight ( literally) to your precious baby. You know those red bottoms? Diaper rash? Yeah... 80% of those are chemical burns. Just do your research. There is nothing like doing an experiment for yourself and reading/seeing facts with your own eyes.
Anyway, but if you ever decide to try cloth - email me! ( or post a comment) I'll surely be happy to help! Now that I know how...

November 06, 2008


This last few days have all been about realization and understanding my own self. I had absolutely no idea what was inside of me, until I started digging inside. I am so grateful for such knowledgeable and loving people to help me get through it. I always believed that emotions affect us so much in everything, but now that I am actually UNDERSTANDING and realizing what I am experiencing, it is just shocking. I feel so grateful to the Lord for making me realize and understand this all in such a loving way.
I had a few hard days figuring out what was going on with me - body and emotions - and finally, today, with the help from Rachel, I think I found the "switch". It is amazing too how much my own state of being affects my children. During the last couple of days I was really emotional, more reactive, etc - in other words, completely dis- balanced. And my kids, end especially my son, was very unsettled, unhappy, kind of don't-know-what-to-do-with-myself person. Today, just after 1 hours , he completely changed. Shockingly. As if he went from being in some sort of fog to complete life again. That really made me think and realize , that all those times, when kids misbehave, it is , probably, 99, of not 100% my own fault and problem. Their little spirits are so tender and pure , they can connect and feel and understand us so much better then we can understand ourselves. And the misbehavior is nothing more then reflexion of our own emotional state. I started to go through my memory of mis-haps that we had, etc, etc, and so far my theory is 100% confirmed. I noticed how much more willing to listen my kids are when I am calm and balanced inside, and I can't point out a single time when they disagreed with me, even though I did not always allowed them to have/do what they wanted. Yet, every single time when I am not "there" all the way, they " seem to do everything to drive me crazy", which, as I realized today is nothing more but my own energy radiating on them. So, who is there to blame , but myself?
We truly create our own reality, and we truly can change the world if we change ourselves first.

November 02, 2008

November is here...

Halloween was great. Pics above are to prove it. The little pirate refused to smile - he got too much into the character :) A little fairy though used her "magic" to the most of her abilities , seeing is being in the costume will get her out of the tantrums without time outs. It didn't . So , she got a whole bunch of "fairy time-outs", faithfully earned though. Veronica, prego pic is for you. :)

It is hard to believe that it was just one week since I updated the blog. It seems like so many things happened in between. And they really did. I meant to write every day, but something new things kept coming and coming. All I am going to say is that I am very grateful for meeting so many wonderful people that lead me to a whole new level of understanding things. I love you all ,and am grateful for each and every one of you.

I am very happy with the decisions I've made in regards to pregnancy. For the first time I am happy and at peace. I am actually happy to have this baby, which is the first if not counting the moment I found out about pregnancy. I am loving being pregnant, and I am excited about birth. I am loving all the new materials I am reading and learning from. I am feeling that I am actually now understanding what it truly means to have a baby - in all beauty of creation, development and birth. I wish for every woman to experience the same. There is a wonderful book that I am reading, and I am loving it. I admire the author for her achievement and the ability to learn so much on her own, as well as sharing it all with the rest of us. I am learning a lot from the book.
Hypnobabies is great! I am loving it! Recommend it to EVERYONE who is pregnant! Seriously! Don't nudge the money - worth every penny. Besides , hospital prep course is just a little less, but "hypnobabies" course is A WHOLE LOT more valuable. I have a home study version, due to time shortage, but I love it.

October 26, 2008

Living Body, Spirit and Soul

I never thought that the name of my blog actually would mean anything. I named it because this way because that's what felt good to me. However, the experiences that I had with pregnancy lead me to seek for more answers. And I have been truly blessed with fantastic people that helped me to come to a new level of understanding certain things. To everyone who supported me and lead me to Rachel - thank you. To Rachel - double thank you.

A true unity of emotions , spirituality and physicality is so obvious, that it is mind blowing how we miss it every day. Really looking for answers to some deeper questions, while reading scriptures , I wanted to really understand what the SPIRIT is. And searching more and more, it lead me to trying to find understanding of SOUL, and all of a sudden things just made sense :


So profound. So true. So obvious. Then that simple realization really made me see certain things as clear as the most beautiful diamond can be.

"We are spiritual beings having physical experiences, not physical beings having spiritual experience" - Rachel, cannot agree more. Thank you.

October 24, 2008

On the menu to try today

BTW - LOVE this recipe blog! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!
I copied this recipe - looks great, can't wait to try it!
As you can see, the bottom is watermelon, topped with a thin layer of kiwi, a thick slab of pink lady apple (my fave; I wonder if my mom still has my old Pink Lady jacket she let me decorate when I was little), a ribbon of strawberry slices and a mango wedge. The "cake" is iced in a coco-banana pudding (check the bottom of this post for the recipe), sprinkled with coconut flakes (mom's favorite cake is German chocolate, which I rawified one year) and decorated with ripe raspberries.

Coco-banana Pudding
1 peeled banana
1 soft pitted date
2 Tbsp. cocoa powder
1 Tbsp. coconut butter
a dash of vanilla
a pinch of sea salt

Blend all the ingredients in a high-powered blender until smooth. Chill to set. Makes one serving of pudding, a small bowl of dip or enough icing to frost a small raw cake. The recipe can be doubled to suit your needs.

Pattypan Spinach
Large handfuls
of fresh baby spinach
2 patty pan squash
1 Tbsp. EVOO,
plus extra for drizzling
Few squeezes of lemon juice
1 Tbsp. nutritional yeast
1 small clove of garlic
Dash of cayenne
Freshly grated nutmeg
Sea salt
Fresh ground pepper

Run a knife through some fresh baby spinach and add it to a bowl (keep in mind that the amount you put in the bowl will reduce substantially in the next step). Drizzle it with a little EVOO, a squeeze of lemon and some salt and pepper. Scrunch it with your hands and set aside to "cook" while you prepare the squash.

Slice the tops off of both squash as you would a pumpkin when making a jack-o-lantern. Then, with a melon-baller, scoop out the insides and add it to a high-speed blender, along with 1 Tbsp. EVOO, some lemon juice, nutritional yeast, garlic, cayenne, nutmeg, sea salt and pepper, to taste. Blend until smooth.

By hand, mix in the wilted/"cooked" spinach. Fill the hollowed squash with this mixture and top with some more fresh ground pepper and nutmeg.

This makes a beautiful presentation for the creamed spinach or for the "cream" by itself, which would be a lovely soup at a dinner party (you would have to make more than two, of course). As always, enjoy!

I was really feeling that I need to spend time with my children. Even though they are my buddies and follow me everywhere, I still feel that I am too busy working , running errands and when the night comes and they fall asleep I always regret that I didn't spend more time with it. So , heck it with the job! I will officially skip today ( because I asked for a short leave, but it was not welcomed very enthusiastically. Come on, people, don't we have some understanding here? Who jumps around on 9th month of pregnancy? Even I need a break sometimes... ). So, I decided - although DEFINITELY NOT my usual policy - but it's better to say sorry later then ask a permission, besides already tried. :) And since I am not the key element in the company anyway, I hope they won't even notice :) And considering that I have to be present on Saturday rehearsals for the Nutcracker 9 to 6pm ( ask me why - I am due to deliver the baby when they are performing. Obviously, I am not a part of the cast. Crazy politics! ), I feel totally justified for a day off. :)
So, since the morning, kiddoes and I were selecting different recipes we want to try over the weekend. We all feel like we again are falling into the routine of doing the same ol' thing over and over, and we are getting tired of it. So, here is what we came up with ( the key element was "simple", but not 10% successful. Oh, well, at least the weekend is coming) Don't have all ingredients, so I'll probably change things around a little. Well, off to the store to get what we need!

“Cheesy” crackers with peanut butter
For the cracker

1 cup carrot pulp
2 Tbsp. flaxseed, finely ground
1 Tbsp. nutritional yeast
sea salt (be generous)
For the "peanut butter"

2 Tbsp. almond butter
1 Tbsp. tahini
1 tsp. raw honey or agave nectar
½ tsp. lucuma
½ tsp. mesquite
dash of sea salt

Pumpkin Bread Ingredients
3/4 cup Almond Pulp*
1/4 cup Golden Flax Meal*
1 cup Pumpkin Puree*
1/2 cup Date Paste*
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. allspice
1/4 tsp. cloves
1/2 smidgen salt
Mix by hand and form into a loaf about one and a half inches thick. Dehydrate at 105 degrees for 8 hours on a teflex sheet then remove the teflex sheet and dehydrate for additional 16 hours and enjoy!

To make a dryer bread, slice the bread and dehydrate for an additional 8 hours.

To make almond pulp, make almond milk and strain out the pulp.
To make golden flax meal, put golden flax seeds in a dry blender and blend to a powder. Brown flax meal will also due just fine.
To make pumpkin puree, peel and seed a small pumpkin (don't worry about getting all the stringy part off), roughly chop the pumpkin, and toss it in the food processor. Process until it is a consistent texture, but it will never be smooth.
To make date paste, put pitted dates in either a blender or food processor and add as little water as possible to achieve a paste.

Mediterranean Almond Bread

Makes 18 'slices'

1/2c olive oil
1c sun dried tomatoes, loosely packed
3c almond flour*
1c flax meal
3 medium courgettes (zucchini), peeled & roughly chopped
2 apples, cored and roughly chopped
3T lemon juice
1t salt
3T Herbs De Provence or herbs of your choice
2T marjoram or herbs of your choice

*You can make almond flour a number of ways. My favourite is to save the pulp from any almond milk I make and dehydrate it so I can keep it in a glass jar until needed. You could also use the almond pulp wet. Another way would be just to grind some almonds into flour in a high powered blender or coffee mill.

- Process the olive oil, sun dried toms, courgette, apple, lemon juice, salt and dried herbs until thoroughly mixed.

- Add the almond flour and process again until a batter is formed.

- In a bowl mix the batter with the flax meal by hand. The reason you do this separately (not in the processor) is that you are likely to have too much mixture for the size if the processor at this point, and when you add the flax meal it will become quite heavy and sticky and overwork your machine.

- When mixed, process the whole batter in the machine again in small batches to achieve a light fluffy texture.

- Divide the mixture in 2 and place on Paraflexx sheets, on dehydrator trays.

- Use an offset spatula (aka offset palette knife or cranked palette knife) to spread the mixture evenly to all 4 sides and corners of the Paraflexx sheet. If mixture is too sticky you can wet the spatula to make things easier. With a knife score the whole thing into 9 squares.

- Dehydrate for 2 hours and then remove the Paraflexx sheets by placing another dehydrator tray and mesh on top and invert so that your original sheet of bread is upside down. That will allow you to peel the Paralexx sheet off and continue to dehydrate the underside of the bread.

- Dehydrate for approx 8 hours more (do this overnight so you're not tempted to eat it before it's ready) or until bread feels light in your hand. If the pieces don't fully come apart where you scored, use a knife to cut them.

So there you have it. Once you have this bread, the only limit you have is your imagination. I have made bread before and used lasagna leftovers to create 'cheese and tomato' sarnies, one of my all-time childhood faves!

Let me know your favorite fillings!!! :-)


Serves 9 large portions. Can be made in a 33 x 27cm -(or similar size) lasagne dish, or made as individual portions on the plate.

Nut Cheese

2c macadamias
1c pine nuts
2 T lemon juice
2 T nutritional yeast
2 yellow peppers
2T fresh parsley
1T fresh thyme
2t salt ½c water as needed

Process all ingredients together adding as little of the water as possible until a fluffy consistency is achieved.
Walnut Meat Layer

1 ½c walnuts soaked 1 hour or more
1c sun-dried tomatoes, soaked for 1 hour or more
2T dark/brown miso
2t dried oregano
2t dried sage
5T nama shoyu
½t cayenne pepper
2T olive oil
1T agave nectar
1t sea salt

Grind all ingredients in a food processor, leaving the mixture slightly chunky.
Tomato sauce

1 ½c sun dried tomatoes
2 soft dates
2 cloves garlic
2c tomato, seeded and chopped
1 ½T dried oregano
2t salt (depending on how salty your s/d toms are)
1/3c olive oil
2T lemon juice

Process in a food processor until smooth.
Green pesto

2 c tightly packed basil leaves
¾c pine nuts or walnuts
½c olive oil
1t salt
1 clove garlic
1T lemon juice

Process all ingredients, leaving plenty of chunkiness!
Spinach Layer

6c torn spinach
5T dried oregano
3T olive oil
2t sea salt

Place all ingredients in a bowl to marinade and wilt for 1 hour or longer, putting the covered bowl in a dehydrator will help this process but it’s not essential.
For the assembly

5 medium courgettes (zucchini), cut lengthwise and marinated in 2T of salt and 3T olive oil for 10 minutes.
Pinch black pepper

Assembly method:

Line the base of your dish with a layer of the courgette strips that slightly overlap.
On top of this put down a layer of the walnut meat, then the cheese, then tomato sauce and finally the pesto on top. Finish this with another layer of slightly overlapping courgette strips.
Repeat step 2 but before adding the final layer of courgette, take your wilted spinach and create an additional layer with that.
Placing the whole dish in the fridge for several hours will firm it all up slightly which will make it easier to cut into portions.
Garnish individual portions with black pepper and a sprig of basil.

October 21, 2008

Life and Emotions

It's nothing new. Absolutely nothing. It's just one of those things where the light bulb finally sparks. I always new that emotions are a huge part of life. I always tried to follow, but I guess it is one of those really truly realization things - unless it clicks 100% , you don't understand the meaning of it. Struggling with the doctors, I called Rachel ( thanks Veronica). And lots of things made sense. She mentioned Louise Hay. I LOVE those books. Have several , read them all, thought how great they are, and somehow never learned to apply it... Why is that? The time must have been wrong then. One thing that Rachel said - and I totally believe and agree - is that there is no perfect ONE way to health and happiness : there is no such thing and a perfect diet - and you are healthy. It's a combination of spiritual, emotional and physical states. Now - is this new? NO. But do we really realize that? No. I am very grateful that the light turned on for me, finally. I believe, that we have our energy channels - call it how ever you want, there are so many names for it - that we communicate with divine beings whom we are going to become some day. I believe, that those channels can be blocked so easily too. And then all those 3 states are interdependent : when you have a better spiritual sense , you emotions are better , your diet is better. When your emotions are out of whack, what happens to your diet? and then spiritual being? Yeah... Does a situation like being really upset , eating a ton of "really not supposed to" stuff, and then beating yourself for it sounds familiar? I kinda doubt that after "pigging out" one would sit and say to him/herself " I am so great! i love myself! " Much stronger opposite is much more likely to occur ( to say it soft :)). So, here is the pattern, a triangle, all interconnected : spirituality, emotions, physicality. Does not matter in what order, but all need to be in balance.
One thing that Rachel said made my jaw dropped. My baby is wrapped in the cord, bad enough to cause a concern. When I mentioned it to her, she said " The reason the baby is wrapped from emotional point of view, is not because the baby is afraid to come into the world ( the logical explanation would-be). It is because the mother , somewhere deep inside, is rejecting the baby, or the fact of the pregnancy, or something that the baby and/or pregnancy is causing". I was speechless. As much as this is a VERY much wanted baby, and this is a VERY much wanted pregnancy, and I LOVE this baby dearly and worried about her all the time, there were so many times that I exclaimed " I HATE being pregnant! Why did I do it again? Why can't I just have a normal, worry-free pregnancy", etc, etc. And the more I thought about it - I did the same thing with my second pregnancy. But NEVER with the first. I loved every minute of it - from throwing up all 9 months, to contractions, to uncomfortable nights, etc, etc... My son was born early and unexpectedly , but you could not tell - 7 lb, perfect baby. My daughter was born just a couple of weeks sooner ( due to cord) - and despite of all the preparations , all the shots to mature baby's lungs, all the observations I had to do, she struggled. And a lot. One would think the opposite should have had occurred. And here is the answer to my question " Why while this is by far the most healthiest pregnancy that could have happened , there are so many uncontrollable problems? ". Those problems can be controlled, can be changed. It is something that one cannot physically prove , but that is why it is an emotional and spiritual state. We all know God lives. But prove it.

October 19, 2008

Reflexions on life...

Raw pregnancy evaluation

Some more thoughts. Pregnancy. I must say that I hate being pregnant and love it at the same time. There is nothing like a nausea and throw-up to make you want to double your birthcontrol, but there is also nothing like a little "wormy" in your belly that kicks and stretches to make you want to be pregnant again. I know I'll miss it when the baby is born. I really doubted if I wanted to be pregnant for the third time considering how sick I get. But I did. And while for some of the things it is the hardest pregnancy, I must say, that being 100% raw definitely helped me. Once I figured out how to listen to my body properly, I am pretty good about understanding what the baby needs. Not once those things made me sick. I learned that any craving - chocolate, conventional ice-cream, thanksgiving turkey , etc, etc - are not really the body needs. They are our emotional attachments. If to give in, i KNOW i'd regret dearly and pay for it by being very sick just after eating ( tried and proven twice) . So, again , not a body need, but an emotional attachment. Kind of like a kid gets attached to a teddy bear or a blanket. Interestingly enough, I found 2 very successful remedies for that: a good green salad ( or juice , or smoothie - I just love salads :)) and/or a cup of good herbal tea ( hey - raspberry leaf is always great while pregnant!) and a comfort movie/book. Those ALWAYS work. the salad fills the nutritional need - because sometimes our body wants/needs something, but we misinterpret the signal ( like wanting candy is usually a sure sign of starving for nutrition body. ) And the salad definitely covers all those areas. I usually find that after a salad I don't really want to eat anything any more. Things don't looks so good in my imagination or don't smell so good either ( if the downstairs are making something :)). The other one - a cup of tea and movie/book - also works great. Gives me that comfort that we need sometimes. But no hard "payback" later.
Another things - despite of the problems ( and again - unrelated to health, just the accidental things, just like with my other 2 pregos - so , despite of the problems, the baby has been doing so well. Actually, the best of all so far. I took the liberty, and after careful thinking and consideration I decided not to take any commercial ( and definitely RX) vitamins. My husband and I researched, learned, thought and decided that correct nutrition is much more beneficial then vitamins. You'll pee them out anyways, so why pay so much to just get an expensive pee, and plus , stuff the body with the by-products that cannot be processed properly. Chemicals are chemicals however you look at that. So, I got the wheatgrass, chlorella, rejuvelac, kombucha and definitely juices and salads. And interestingly enough, once I discontinued to take my prenatals, within days I started to feel much better. I realized, that my "living in the bathroom , not wanting to go anywhere and just die" pregnancies before were probably the bodies reaction to vitamins ( even thought I tried about 100, and was using the most natural ones, STILL - they don't grow on the tree, they are not 100% natural). A pregnant body is very sensitive to pollution. DId you know, that morning sickness if the way the body deals with excess toxins? The crazy thing is not to try and mellow it down with pills and stuff, but to let it run its course ( kinda what docs tell you when the baby get a flue rash - just let it run its course, it will be better that way. ). While it maybe hard initially, it is much better for you and the baby. This is the first time when I dared to do so. And I must say, while I REALLY wanted to die at first - i mean I really get sick - the process was faster and I started to feel better or was able to manage everything much better. The results for the baby - according to the U/S this is the healthiest and the best growing baby I had so far ( my babes always seem to slow down growing at the end - nobody really knows why) .AND while this time around I have a problem with placenta ( it did not attach properly at the beginning, and still is that way), the perinatologist was really concerned about the baby getting enough through this placenta, she is growing like a mushroom after rain. I know , that it is the proper nutrition and proper exercise too. I tried to educate myself the best I could on the natural pregnancy and birth, and while I don't know if I will be able to have a natural birth ( just some kinks... Although, I really wanted to ), I am still happy that at least my body will not be as overloaded with chemicals as it could be if I continues with my $32 a pill treatment for nausea and $80 a bottle prenatals. I hope that my body responds to whatever labor procedure will be ( I am thinking , it will probably have to be induction again) faster, and we both - Justin and I - are definitely very firm in standing out our desires of "no-no"s during the labor, that are really not necessary , but are there most of the time because of the "routine". So, will see how the labor goes.

Interesting thought

Ok. Just a little thinking and realizing. Our tastes have changes SO MUCH. I remember, last year I came across David Wolfe's stuff. I found the chocolate, that was absolutely raw. Cost $10 a "heart", but is was raw, but looked and felt like cooked. We bought some, loved it. This year our health food store "Real Foods Market" decided to carry it. We were SO EXCITED! While I could always buy it online, I never really got around to it. So, yesterday we made it be our treat day, and bought 4 hearts. And.... We were very disappointed! I guess, we became better chocolate makers ourselves! LOL :):):) Or , maybe , we got over excited and expected more. Or maybe , we just don't like chocolate any more so much. I know that the recipe didn't change a bit. Don't get me wrong , it is good. We just didn't like it so much any more. I love the chocolate candies that we make ( the recipe is in earlier posts) much, much better. Well, the kids love it anyway. LOL. Kids and candy. What can you say. :)
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