August 13, 2010

My last bow.

My favorite reading of all is Sir Arthur Conan - Doyle and his ever-living Sherlock Holmes. Today, is the last page of my story. My last bow.

To my readers - I am here to say last good-by. I am sad to leave this space that I 've been enjoying sharing with you all. Today defines the last page of my old life, and these are the last words to end it. I wish to remember all good and to finish all started. My life has changed. And at a new start, I do not wish to bring in anything that is not happy and beautiful into it.

Today, I am here to simply say what I always wanted to THEM  : I am tired and - in that - you win. I know you are reading this , as well as many others, and for once I am HAPPY about it. At least now I can say what I want without being shunned for my thoughts, without being obnoxiously rudely interrupted, and without having to endure the pain of gossip spread all over the moment I turn away.

It is not my fault that you live a double life. It is not my fault that the only person in your family that was pure and honest, YOU labeled as a horrible monster , and even tried to play a "something wrong with you" game , simply because you were afraid that the DIRTY , UGLY , STINKY truth is going to surface. It is not my fault that , now that he IS being happy, for once , doing something that you would never approve, you are NOT. It is not my fault, no matter how much you wanted it to be, that now he HAS the strength to be SELF. I admire him for that.

However, I am guilty in not believing him. I am guilty in trying to glue un-existed relationship between you and him together. I am guilty in putting YOUR desires/needs/wants before his and ours first. I am guilty of causing HIM pain by trying to understand you, by making HIM do what I THOUGHT was good as to make YOU happy, and in that, trying to live your church's teachings.

I did all that , sincerely believing it was good. Until I learned the truth. And saw the pain. And realized that all I knew for years was an empty shell of a person, filled instead with the pain of the past, YOUR wishes happiness, your desires, and "supposed to's" of life,  church, etc, with reproduction of God being useful disguise, yet lost from all many years ago.

His heart was torn to pieces long ago by YOU, and then programmed to believe that it , somehow, was HIS fault. He lived his life to make YOU happy. You shunned him for it.  I let him go.

 I let him be self. I let him be happy. Even if it meant that HIS happy was different from MY happy, I allowed him to make that choice. I am sorry that you don't understand a simple fact : everyone, absolutely everyone on this earth deserves to be HAPPY. Everyone has the right to choose their happiness.

And this time I will honor HIS request and so will the other ones that love him, even if it means that I have to endure obnoxious rudeness from your side. The newly returned "missionary" is a fabulous example of the worst way possible to talk to a woman, lady, and simply, person. To add, that his is supposed to be a person that has recently returned from serving GOD - it really doesn't say much about you, dear friend, or your church that you have proudly represented for two years.

I truly feel sorry for you not understanding/believing/hearing my words and snooping around pretending that you haven't been told anything, having been communicated with or haven communicated yourselves. Snooping around white skillfully creating a gossipy illusion over us that fit your need has always been your trait. I am not surprised.

But I am tired.

You never wanted me in your life. Then you tried to mold me to your cookie cutter. Then you found it very useful to simply blame me for all the consequences from the past, which worked out very nicely for quite a while. At some point even I started to believe it. You ARE skillful, after all, in covering up the ugliness. You've done everything to break my wings and tie me to yourself, to mold be into what was useful to you. When it didn't work, you've changed tactics, hoping that, in fear, I would give up. You
have succeeded in much. You have broken my heart. You have taken away most that was dear to me. But you will never win. I stepped away. It is YOUR life is what you have faced now. There isn't anyone to blame for it. Stop trying. Look inside.

PS Read "A Study in Scarlet". I lived it.  This Blog is now closed.

Disclaimer. This post is in no way to be interpreted against the church of jesus christ of lds, however this post IS directed to "respectful" and "honorable" members of it whom I have shared the past 7 years with as their daughter-in-law. I was a convert to their church and a foreigner. This post is an inside look of a well-covered life of a 'perfect' lds family and church. I am no longer a part of either one by personal choice and reasons mentioned above plus some. 

May 28, 2010

DId you know that...

May 28th was the day that mayonnaise was invented in France many years ago? Now it is being used in many forms and variations across the world. Make your own today! Just get a couple of eggs, mustard powder and olive oil ( or any sort of oil), add some salt and seasonings, and blend on high until the consistency is the way you like it.

We are on day 9 today. Over all: green smoothies rock. If you haven't tried one , DO. It gives so much energy, lightness to the body, and GLOW to your skin. There is no "perfect' recipe : to each its own. I like mine plain more on the salty side ( with more celery). I just like them that way. My kids REALLY love the thicker sweeter ones ( a bag of greens or bunch of spinach, or arugula or anything. Spring greens are the best, really. Very sweet and tender. Then a couple of bananas. Strawberries. Some frozen berries. Then I add a drop-full of stevia extract -kids. They like SWEET thing ). Did I mention , that smoothies and juice are THE BEST way to get nutrition in?

I also discovered my absolute favorite desert of the moment :
Strawberries, cut in pieces
Walnuts - pieces
Raw cacao nibs
A dropfull of Stevia

Absolutely delicious. Stevia adds a very nice flavor. And with strawberries in season, they are not only sweet and aromatic, but also great priced. Enjoy!

May 25, 2010

I want a vacation

I am feeling nostalgic. I feel complete living among russian and ukrainian diasporas, and it is no wonder that my memories, hidden deeply in the back of my mind, are waking up now, bringing , again, the color back to life.

I look back at the last decade, and wonder, how is it that I did not notice that the most precious to me memories were melting away, silently. I still don't know...

So, today, when the sun hit it's high and the playground became ubber-ly hot to the point of "put-eggs-on-the-slide-not-the-baby" kind of hot, I took my little squirmy to the sand box. There is something magical about the sand when you are one ( or two, or three...). I watched little ones' fascination with the grains running through the little fingers, and couldn't help but tearfully smile , remembering the warmth on the sun, kind caressing of the water, and countless sea-shells. My childhood. It seems it was just yesterday my dad and I built sand castles. And today, i am building one for MY daughter.

Every year , growing up, my parents would get 10 days to 2 weeks, and take my sister and I out to the sea shore ( read "really nice ocean beaches" if you haven't been to the sea. The difference , really, is that the sea CONNECTS to the ocean. And there are a whole lot less sharks around , although the water is very warm ). We would usually go to the Crimea. For the duration of the time we would do NOTHING but lay in the sun ( don't worry , the PROPER times : before 11 and after 4. the other times we were under the tent), or for the kids (aka us) literally, LIVED in the water. The beaches were open 24 hours, and as I grew older, my memories were created from the beautiful sunrise from behind the mountain. The stillness - near mirror like - of the sea. The warmth of the water. The beauty of mother Nature. Best friendships were created with the guitar songs and midnight swims on the moon lit beach, with the sand cool and the moonlight path trembling on black, calm waters. This is something that is engraved in my heart. Forever.

I want my children to create such memories. I want them to remember me just the way I remember my parents. I want them to look back and to WANT to be the same - not in identical way, but in the way of LOVING their children, just as they are loved now.

Someone told me recently, that giving just love is not enough. I thought about it... and disagree. Love - true, unconditional, complete , God-created love, knows no fear, has no limits, is complete and can conquer anything. Love - or lack of thereof - is what saves or destroys.

I want a vacation. Any idea where we should go?

PS Day 6 is marked by fabulous green market steal : young broccoli florets, spring garlic, first spinach and radishes, and of course, aromatic strawberries and cherries for desert.

May 24, 2010

Days 3,4 and 5

Are pretty awesome. It is AMAZING how much difference the JUICE makes. I love shoothies, but they are my second best now. Juices are just that much more powerful. I also found a great way of making the goal and still be sane. Juicing EVERY day is just not realistic for us right now : we are WAY to busy, and a good juicer ( and the clean up mostly , knowing that I will NOT be able to
leave without a sparkling home. I just mostly hate coming back home to something that I need to clean. Home is my rest place)

SO. I found that juicing every 2-3 days ( more like 3), is great. I use the glass green bottles to store juice, and since we have the Greenstar juicer, all the enzymes and such are still there. Juicing 3-4 different things makes it really easy to target everyone's taste buds: i just mix more/less of certain ingredient according to the taste.

On the other note : I am very proud of my sissy : her first solo. Self choreographed and performed. She had no school. Diamond in the raw. All I am going to say is , the genes.
( Did I just take credit for this? You bet I did! After all, I was the first to lay the way after the snowstorm... One day I'll post how my dancing life started )

May 20, 2010

Today is...

A ROSE day in Bulgaria. How cool is that? I think I am going to celebrate by getting a bouquet of roses and putting it to use too. Bulgarians spread the petals all over, and weave the wreaths out of certain types of roses. Pretty and romantic!

On the food note :
No juicing ( but all the ingredients for tomorrow), but green drink instead ( the green water , as the kids call it) , beet salad ( beets, carrot, avocado, parsley and leaks + spices and seasonings ) for dinner, and lots of happy giggles when deciding what to get for tomorrow.

I also decided to add one more thing - doing something new every day. Something I might have always wanted to do, but never had time to , or something I never thought of doing. I saw the world through my kids eyes today. It is fascinating.

May 21, day 2, 29 days to go.

It's time

With craziness and changes over the last couple of months, my all important nutrition routine has taken its tall. It's time to revamp and redo. Reporting it daily, or every other day will be good for disciplining. And on that note ...

Some time ago I had a friend mention , that there should be complete freedom in doing ( this case "eating"), letting go of control and just doing what works. The theory is that once one stops being a "control freak", it all works out by itself.

Well... It doesn't really work that way. Discipline is discipline. There is a difference between being a control freak and controlling oneself because of discipline. I remember helping out my aunt ( who was a kindergarden teacher ) many years ago, and her telling to one angry 4 year old, who was creaming and explaining to her that he's so "angry, he can't even talk, because so-n-so is not sharing the blocks". ( cute , isn't it? ) So, she said " Well, even through you are angry, that doesn't mean that you need to cry or scream. That only shows one's lack of manners."
A little doll controlled himself and , through tears, but calmly sorted situation out. Isn't it a WOW situation? It engraved in my memory forever. It is real. While it doesn't work all the time perfectly, it works as I applied it to my children. Now - am I raising "control freaks"? No. I do not believe so. They are growing to be disciplines individuals, knowing how to deal with occurring situations and WORK THROUGH them with the MIND still intact. I believe this is important. Keeping one's "cool" is essential for anything one will do in life, whether it is raising kids, dealing with new developments at work, eating , etc.

Now back to food. From thinking and reasoning ( and I love to do that, and I don't think it's a bad thing either. Arthur Connan Doyle had one of the greatest minds in the history, I think we all could take a leaf out of his book. Will do nothing but good ), the bases are still there: discipline is discipline. One must do what one must do , to keep things balanced. I mean - we don't question why we brush our teeth, right? It's it the MOST controlling thing? Twice a day. Or even MORE often! But we do it, because it's good for us even we are absolutely ridiculously tired. A person that keeps their teeth clean = control freak? I hope not. It seems that the 'freak part' would apply to the one that would question that. SO!

I am doing a month of "intense revamping". I feel like we need juicing , and a lot of it. New treats - we are oh, so bored of our every day trail mix. And speaking of that : need new snack food, or maybe snack drink... And most and foremost : NEED MORE VARIETY for dinner. I love what we have, but we are ultimately are getting too "routined". Need changes. Need more fun. I'll report every evening. Or every other one , if things get too crazy.

May 20, 2010. Day 1. 30 days to go.

Control freak or discipline?

Best time ...

Did you know that the best time to shop is before noon? The assistants are not tired yet, the sizes are still there, empty dressing rooms and no lines to check out!

Note for the day:

If shopping for new shoes , do not buy tapering down heels that are under 3". They create an illusion of heavier body and shorter legs. If you love them - go for 3" of more. The hight will compensate for "side effects".

Dirty dozen, clean 15

My friend from right here posted this on her blog. I think it is a very good list, and very important to know. I noticed a HUGE difference when we decided to "organicanize" ourselves.
Where do you get your produce?

May 19, 2010

Happy birthday to...

Did you know that today is the official birthday of Jean Style? May 20, 1873 Levi Srauss & Co got a United States patent #139121 for using copper rivets to strengthen the pockets of denim work pants. Levi Strauss & Co. began manufacturing the famous Levi's brand of jeans, using fabric from the Amoskeag Manufacturing Company in Manchester, New Hampshire.

Who'd know that what started as work pants would become one of the most wanted perfect fitting items in fasionista wardrobe not only in the US, but also spread through out the world? Do you think Levi Strauss knew what he was starting? While I am personally not a devotee of Levi's , i am most definitely happy he came up with the idea , as this is my second skin ( nearly), and allowed other creators use their imagination.

What's your favorite brand ?

May 18, 2010

support the turks

Did you know that today is a Turkish Youth and Sports day? They are rather large on celebrating it too. Seems like an excellent way to support turks and go to a yoga class, pilates, gym or simply dance your heart out. What do you think?

May 11, 2010

surely can't be

I look at my 3 little kittens, and my heart melts every time. And then, when they are not around, I think about them, and I get teary. I know that probably, every mother feels that way, and still... I am the luckiest, the happiest and complete woman. My little cherubs are my life. Sweetums, you will be reading this some time later. I want you to know that my heart belongs to you. It always has , and always been. Long before you were born, and forever when I go. Know that no matter where I am , my thoughts, my heart and my mind is with you. My love is there for you. Know that I will do everything to make you happy. Everything. I kiss your eyes when you sleep, remembering the little sparkles that filled your eyes during the day. I kiss little hands, remembering holding them during the day. I kiss little feet , remembering running on the playground all day. I kiss your cheeks, remembering your little heads laying on my shoulder. If I could, I would pause the time to keep you this way for a little longer, but I know how curious you are about world and living in it, and I run by your side, hoping to be able to catch up. I love you, cherubs. My kittens. My birds. My life is complete. You complete me.
Your happy smile is my purpose in life. I love you. I love you. I love you. 100000 x multiplied.

May 07, 2010

Just to spike the brain power

eonvrye that can raed this rsaie your hnad.
To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it

I am curious. Leave me a comment whether you can or cannot read this. And what you thought about it. I could. I thought it WAS strange , but fun.

April 30, 2010

Time, please, slow down. Let me have one more minute to see the three pair of eyes. ONe more minute to cuddle with little warm bundle. One more minute to wash dirty , dirty little feet. One more minute to kiss the wounds of the world exploration. One more minute to read a bed time story. One more minute to rock a wiggler to sleep. One more minute to listen to warm fast breathing. One more minute to kiss soft little cheeks and spiky little noses. One more minute to hear once more three little voices , speaking at once on three different subjects.
Time, please, freeze. Even if only for a minute. It is so worth it.

April 29, 2010

Did you know?

That the 30 day re-awakening is going in full bloom on my other site of heaven? It's spring. It's time. Day 2. You will be surprised. Enjoy!

Dancing your way home

As promised. Let me introduce one of the most famous point shoe makers, Mr Jacob BLOCH.

Bloch's philosophy of listening to dancers is still as strong today as it was when Jacob Bloch made his first pair of pointe shoes in 1932. Bloch arrived from Europe in 1931 at the height of the Great Depression and began making shoes by hand in the workshop where he lived.

Bloch loved watching ballet and visited many dancestudios. At one such studio, he noticed a young dancer who was having trouble staying on pointe. Bloch promised he would make her a better pair of shoes, and so he did. After that, Bloch?s reputation for making good dance shoes spread rapidly.

At Bloch, the respect the company has for its clients' art is infinite. Contributing to a dancer's artistry, in even the slightest way is the ultimate Bloch goal. Admittedly jealous of their clients' artistic ability, Bloch is proud to contribute confidence and beautythrough the best dance footwear in the world.

Surprised? I was when I stumbled over the whole section of BLOCH shoes at Century 21. It appears that Mr. Bloch STILL listens to the dancers. These are the most comfortable shoes I've EVER owned. When wearing them, I feel that I have my ballet flats on. As a matter of fact, I can teach no problem in them. They allow for all the flexibility and movement, plus just the right amount of support. I love them. And the look is very flattering on the feet.

I never thought I would be able to wear flat, or , rather WANT to walk in them. But with these babies around I don't have to walk - I can just dance my way wherever I go.

PS: New York revealed quite a few "never thought I would"s for me. Come back tomorrow to read what they are.

April 28, 2010

seeing the world from 4 inches lower

I was born in 4 inch heels. And actually, that is kind of true. My arches are so high, that since I remember myself, I had to have some sort of support, or it was rather uncomfortable and painful.** As I grew and gravitated towards the higher heel, little by little the flat shoe completely disappeared from my wardrobe. The only "flats" I owned were the ballet flats. Until recently.

LIving in NYC and seeing day by day, by day all the stunning beauties wearing beautiful flats ( and looking comfortable), got the better of me. I wanted to give it a try, at which I miserably failed last summer. I embraced my 4 heeled life back again, reasoning that there are plenty just as stunning beauties in heels, and I really DON'T have to wear flats. But the secret jealousy got locked in my heart. I am a perfectionist. So I nourished it for a hear, and last month determinedly decided to achieve the "flat"wear life style, even if temporarily.

I did not know that one needed to LEARN to walk in flats. Don't get me wrong - it's nothing like "learning the heels" stuff. I COULD walk around the apartment, but on the street... After about 5 minutes I was dying. Every little muscle in my legs were screaming and cursing at me. After all, they all comfortably existed for n+ years, until I decided to change that. I was so sore, it was no funny at all. Besides, I HATED the way EVERYTHING was all of a sudden bigger, taller, and I felt rather vulnerable.

And then... after about 5-6 days... the torture ended and I fell in love with my new outlook. There are some pluses that I never experienced before : like actually FEELING small ( being a dancer and surrounded by 90 lbs skinnies is not really helpful in every day life), FEELING the ground when I walk. I don't use padding in my point shoes, because I need to feel the floor. But I always walked in shoes that were at least 3 inches above the ground. The lightness of the step ( AFTER I learned how to walk ), and , of COURSE, the possibilities and versatility of STYLE. I love the many, many looks one can achieve with flats, and I have discovered, to my pleasant surprise, some really well designed and supportive flats. While I am by no means rejecting my 4''s, I am definitely enjoying the possibility ( and beauty ) of the world from 4 inches lower.

I love all the shoes , but these ones are my absolute favorites! Come back tomorrow, and I will tell you who makes them and why I love them. I promise, you will be pleasantly surprised!

** I was not born with such high arches. At some point when I was a very small child, there was a thought of possibility of flat feet. My wonderful and caring mother did all she could - from massage to physical therapy , to ensure that my feel had arches. They sure do. Which made my life as a dancer simply beautiful.

Pin It button on image hover