My favorite reading of all is Sir Arthur Conan - Doyle and his ever-living Sherlock Holmes. Today, is the last page of my story. My last bow.
To my readers - I am here to say last good-by. I am sad to leave this space that I 've been enjoying sharing with you all. Today defines the last page of my old life, and these are the last words to end it. I wish to remember all good and to finish all started. My life has changed. And at a new start, I do not wish to bring in anything that is not happy and beautiful into it.
Today, I am here to simply say what I always wanted to THEM : I am tired and - in that - you win. I know you are reading this , as well as many others, and for once I am HAPPY about it. At least now I can say what I want without being shunned for my thoughts, without being obnoxiously rudely interrupted, and without having to endure the pain of gossip spread all over the moment I turn away.
It is not my fault that you live a double life. It is not my fault that the only person in your family that was pure and honest, YOU labeled as a horrible monster , and even tried to play a "something wrong with you" game , simply because you were afraid that the DIRTY , UGLY , STINKY truth is going to surface. It is not my fault that , now that he IS being happy, for once , doing something that you would never approve, you are NOT. It is not my fault, no matter how much you wanted it to be, that now he HAS the strength to be SELF. I admire him for that.
However, I am guilty in not believing him. I am guilty in trying to glue un-existed relationship between you and him together. I am guilty in putting YOUR desires/needs/wants before his and ours first. I am guilty of causing HIM pain by trying to understand you, by making HIM do what I THOUGHT was good as to make YOU happy, and in that, trying to live your church's teachings.
I did all that , sincerely believing it was good. Until I learned the truth. And saw the pain. And realized that all I knew for years was an empty shell of a person, filled instead with the pain of the past, YOUR wishes happiness, your desires, and "supposed to's" of life, church, etc, with reproduction of God being useful disguise, yet lost from all many years ago.
His heart was torn to pieces long ago by YOU, and then programmed to believe that it , somehow, was HIS fault. He lived his life to make YOU happy. You shunned him for it. I let him go.
I let him be self. I let him be happy. Even if it meant that HIS happy was different from MY happy, I allowed him to make that choice. I am sorry that you don't understand a simple fact : everyone, absolutely everyone on this earth deserves to be HAPPY. Everyone has the right to choose their happiness.
And this time I will honor HIS request and so will the other ones that love him, even if it means that I have to endure obnoxious rudeness from your side. The newly returned "missionary" is a fabulous example of the worst way possible to talk to a woman, lady, and simply, person. To add, that his is supposed to be a person that has recently returned from serving GOD - it really doesn't say much about you, dear friend, or your church that you have proudly represented for two years.
I truly feel sorry for you not understanding/believing/hearing my words and snooping around pretending that you haven't been told anything, having been communicated with or haven communicated yourselves. Snooping around white skillfully creating a gossipy illusion over us that fit your need has always been your trait. I am not surprised.
But I am tired.
You never wanted me in your life. Then you tried to mold me to your cookie cutter. Then you found it very useful to simply blame me for all the consequences from the past, which worked out very nicely for quite a while. At some point even I started to believe it. You ARE skillful, after all, in covering up the ugliness. You've done everything to break my wings and tie me to yourself, to mold be into what was useful to you. When it didn't work, you've changed tactics, hoping that, in fear, I would give up. You
have succeeded in much. You have broken my heart. You have taken away most that was dear to me. But you will never win. I stepped away. It is YOUR life is what you have faced now. There isn't anyone to blame for it. Stop trying. Look inside.
PS Read "A Study in Scarlet". I lived it. This Blog is now closed.
Disclaimer. This post is in no way to be interpreted against the church of jesus christ of lds, however this post IS directed to "respectful" and "honorable" members of it whom I have shared the past 7 years with as their daughter-in-law. I was a convert to their church and a foreigner. This post is an inside look of a well-covered life of a 'perfect' lds family and church. I am no longer a part of either one by personal choice and reasons mentioned above plus some.
I am so sad that even for a day you were unhappy. An honest and beautiful person like you should never ever endure any kind of unhappiness. Someone wise once told me, "the Church is perfect, people are not." How can a perfect Church produce such dishonest and unkind people? It was their choice and thy one day will be held accountable one day. I know this and that is why I leave it to God to judge and me to forgive. Not saying I think you need to forgive (that is none of my business) but it's something I sometimes need to tell myself so I can let go of pain. Love you Olya and thank you for being such an awesome friend.
ReplyDeleteI am also tired. Tired of pretending that comments like this don't hurt me deeply. Tired of assuming that the best way to deal with issues like this is to just ignore them, because you want to be left alone.
ReplyDeleteI know that you don't want any contact with anyone in my family anymore, but after reading this (which I just did for the first time today), I feel like I need to say some things. I know you might delete this comment, and that's okay.
I don't claim to speak for everyone in my family, but since I feel like you're attacking all of us, and I feel like I need to explain some things.
First off, you are wrong about us not wanting you in our family. I know that our relationship has gotten complicated, but we were all excited to have you in our family. I look on the time that I spent with you and Justin in those early years of college with fondness. You were kind and welcoming, and perhaps I was wrong, but I considered us friends. I considered you as an older sister, and I loved getting to know you and spending time with you. I suppose I can only speak for myself in this regard, but I wanted you in our family.
Something that I wish you and Justin had understood is that we do love you, and the thing that often frustrated us is that you always seemed to assume that just because we might not have agreed with your choices, that doesn't mean we can't still have a relationship. You don't believe in the LDS church anymore? Okay. That's fine! You need to do what makes you happy! I know that you don't perceive that our family feels this way, but it's the truth.
I don't know what's sneaky about getting information about your life (because I care about you, not because I want to gossip!) from a public blog. If that's sneaky, I suppose we are, but I guess that's just because so many attempts at personal communication have been ignored. For years, I've always felt like you were pushing me away, refusing to offer any details about yourselves. Remember these conversations? "How's life?" "Busy!" "How's work?" "Busy!" "How are you feeling?" "Busy!" It's hard to build a lasting relationship if both parties aren't willing to share information.
It sounds like there was a lot going on with you and Justin that I didn't know about. It sounds like there was a lot going on with Justin during his childhood that I didn't know about. The thing that makes me sad is that instead of opening up to family about it (which, perhaps he did, and our parents were less than receptive. I don't know), he just assumed that the best way to cope was to ignore us. And I guess I have to respect that.
This is probably too long. And probably pointless, since all my previous attempts to reach you have been in vain. I just felt like you needed to know that I still care. I will always care.
-Erika
Uhhh.!! "Dear" a kind of SISTER IN LAW, Erica!Find something better to do in your life! Do not put your nose into other life. Life of good and honest people, that Olya's family really is! Her life is a good example for everyone how to reach success and happiness after all suffering from your "love" and "care".
ReplyDeleteDon't you tired of playing Sherlok's game?! Just back off for ever!! GET LOST!