With Gratitude

A year has nearly completed. So much has happened, it would be enough to fill a lifetime, yet this is just, yet at the same time - whole - year. At this time last November I was waking up. I am so very grateful for the blessing of so many people that helped me to come today to where I am. You know who you are - thank you, and I dearly love you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Without you I would not be able to find courage to do what my heart and soul were longing for. You've helped me to really see the miracles faith does. I've felt my Saviour Divine hand, again, with your humble help. You opened the Divine door to life for me when I gave up and settled for a threshold. You helped me to feel Divine Mother's love, you've helped me to come back to being ... just me.

I am so ever grateful for the Divine Love from Saviour, Divine Mother and Father - for loving teachings , for comfort and peace. I found my home. Or, actually... I just came back. I look back with gratitude , and with gratitude, happiness , peace and love, I go forward. My life hasn't changed. It is only now that it has become mine, filled with gratitude and candle light. Now , complete.

Busy working

Very, very busy working. Finally, at around 4 pm I had a minute to sit down and rest ( as much as you can while feeding a wiggly and tired baby). I noticed that Justin was busy rummaging through papers we picked up, cutting, drawing, but most importantly, switching one pile with another.

"Justin, what are you doing?"

"I am doing papers, mommy. This is my work. Paper work.".

Note to self : spending WAAAY too much time with Daddy.

Bad Obama? Really...

So, I continue to hear " Bad, Obama", "No change", "BAAAD medical reform", and more bad-bad-bads. It really is that bad, that I just have to acknowledge is here. It really IS bad that 36 million are going to have health insurance. And for all the older aged population that seems to be so against it, since they are the "tax payers" ( and I am sure nobody else is) , those ARE your kids AND grandkids, that make just about $1 more then the cut out for CURRENT medicaid requirement is, but still make barely any money to make their ends meet. I am sure, they really should not be put on the health insurance. After all, who's even going to have like 3 babies while still in school, especially if they are LDS. Besides, particularly guys with the LDS missions, and all degrees and requirements for those MBA/Law/MD/OD degrees, they should know waaaay better, and start a family when they are all set, done and ready. Like, after 35. Definitely should not qualify.

And it REALLY is bad, that with that new reform, insurance companies are not going to be able to drop/ not add a person with a pre-existing condition. After all, it really is just another life's blessing to not have insurance because one is diabetic or has terminal illness. Seriously, why use someone else's tax money to help those people gain health or help with pain they are in. It's a much better investment to , AGAIN, resurface the roads, so that we can have MORE CARS polluting the air. Much better investment. For sure.

Or the addition of $98 billion to the Federal Education fund is a really, really bad idea. I mean,who needs education? Seriously. Especially, since it's free in the US. And especially, single mothers. Those really don't need any grants or scholarships. For goodness sake's, they've already got the baby ( or several) , don't they know better? It's totally wiser to CUT the fund ( like the unknown previous leader did), and really it is much more beneficial to Tarzan selves into the war. Every young man dreams about being killed, and really it is so much fun for the wives and families to not see their loved ones for months and months.

Oh, and the fact that the US is starting being recognized as a reputable country AGAIN throughout the world must really be a bad thing. Seriously. Who'd want that. Surely, not the taxpayers.

And the truth is...

This article was posted on the Utah Friends of Midwives:

http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/central/provo/article_3085b44b-cf7c-5029-ac0b-0b2bdb8baadf.html

As I was reading this, I went through a roller coaster of memories. Remembering myself , feeling the same way, as some of the women do, in regards that "doctor knows best", "won't do any harm", and "i'm just trusting the doctors. They are, after all, educated, and do this for living". I had my share of trusting and believing in the "machine power". While I do believe in medicine, I believe even more in taking responsibility. I found, through my last pregnancy, that there is a lot more to the medical system then just coming to see the doctor. For example, such little things, as once you see the doctor and sign a medical release form ( which you are required to sign to be seen) , you sign your will away to the judgement of above mentioned doctor, who is legally more bound by laws and regulations ( only a hospital is worth a million), that he is first and foremost a businessman, and hence is his/her first priority. I too, like many others, felt that there is so much, that can happen wrong and I know so little to take charge of my and my baby's life. My pink eyeglasses have been ruthlessly shaken off when I heard the very well meaning doctor - an OB that I've been seeing - telling me that he himself could do nothing to change his OWN grandchild's situation ( who was treated according to the hospital's protocol, even though the baby did not need anything) , and he had even less power in my case.

I was shocked by the reaction, when I made a conscious decision to continur the pregnancy to term. I knew that there was nothing kore important then my baby's health and development, even IF that meant more difficulties for me. So, I transferred care. To someone who cared about the health of the child more then about money. With the help of God. I won't say it was easy and not scary. For a person , that came from such a medicated background, conditioned to believe to trust, and being surrounded by traditions over traditions over traditions of following the typical way, it WAS , indeed , difficult at times to believe that yes, I can do just what all women did, what our Mother Eve did , and bring children into this world not through cruelty of cold plastic gloves and metal clasps, bring lights and sharp loud sounds, but through love, warmth of mothers hands and heart, and , above all , Divine help. I know that there will be multitude of opposers, saying that oh-so-many things can go wrong, and then what, etc, etc. Yes. And No. Birth of the baby is a sacred process blessed by Divine Love. All that there is, is the way it is meant to be. Always.

I have discovered myself as a woman in ways I never thought were possible to be. Maybe for one of the few rare times I really connected with the feminine part of what make us all be women - God's creations, the way he intended us to be. I learned about the sacredness of women's wit and knowledge during the art and miracle of childbirth, that is impossible for men to comprehend or rationalize simply because they ARE men. Wonderful, strong, but men. I hope, pray and wish for all beautiful women to embrace their power and strength. The truth is... we know it all. Our spirits and genes - it's all there. Just trust yourself. And God.

And as for my baby... who, the doctor was convinced I would never be able to carry past 28 weeks, if ever make even this far... I had on her due date, at home, perfectly healthy, and amazingly beautiful. I would do this again without a second thought.

Flea Market inspirations

Flea market inspirations by Olya Hill featuring Anthropologie

sometimes I wonder...

We got a Christmas tree. The deal was great, we couldn't pass it, and with the kids wanting Christmas so much, there was no chance for it sitting in the box for any longer then the time it took to get it home from the store. We put it up, and took the decorations out, and seeing what was left... I couldn't help but wonder "why". Why people can be so cruel. Why some care more and others care none. And then ... Why it is that I so often want to please others so much, even at the expense of my own happiness...

Sometimes I wonder, why we meet people we do, what would happen if we could read hearts and minds, and what it would be like if we could replay the future knowing all the past. I honestly don't know if , given the change, I would do things different. Imagining the possibility... I think so. Not everything. But much.

I would speak up for myself and loved ones more. I would express my love more. I would do what matters to me more. I would give what I want to those I love more, protect , those I love, more, create more, listen to other's opinions less, be self more, care for rules and traditions less, listen to my heart more, support others in their ambitions more, please less, be self more, choose those I enclose more thoroughly, fly with the wind more often.

Definitely move to NYC sooner. Years earlier.

I forgot how wonderful it feels to do what you love and be who you are. And it is sad that for years I pretended to be someone I am really not. Not that what I did what was not good, or anything, but it was neither me , nor for me. Sad, that I conditioned myself to believe that it is ok and , even, possibly better for me. If I were to change one thing, I'd choose to free my heart sooner, and use all the opportunities - many as they were - to move earlier. Years earlier.

I forgot what it is like to be in the room where 10 out or 20 dancers are men , and those men dance just as good - or better - then some women; where the "bad" studio room interior is better then some "bests" I've spent my few last years at; where the cut off for youngest is 18 and where the majority of dancers are in their late 30s; I forgot what it feels like to be singled out as being one of the youngest with future, not oldest with history ; forgot what it feels like to perform to those that actually UNDERSTAND the art, and come to see BEAUTY not the "tricks" or "achievements"; forgot how wonderful it is to be in the place that has so much history and life; walk on the streets that are lined with trees and are full of other people, go to the little shops over large supermarkets; forgot what it's like to be in the place where life does not stop on Sundays, but rather completely opposite...

I wonder what life would be like when you do what you want to do and say what you want to say at the moment you feel you need to. Easier? Possibly. Less pain? Probably. Full of happiness? Surely.

I cannot say that I am either happy or grateful for certain past, certain people or decision to please someone else but God, and ... myself and "branches" of myself. But I have learned. Learned to trust God and Universe, Divine Love. Even when all logic goes against everything, And more. I used to believe that all the pain and sufferings are "tests" or "lessons". I don't anymore. God teaches by LOVE. Divine LOVE. It is the logic, or tradition, or "supposed to" that are the stumbling rocks on the way that hurt, or more : we hurt ourselves because we choose to pay attention to those more then trust Him. . Sometimes I wonder , if there will be time when all I do is follow what I feel is good. I hope so. Today, I am still learning.

To boot or not to boot?

Cold weather is no joke, and neither is fashion. With the N, NE and NW winds blowing , something warm and comfy is really appealing. I see a lot of these around the city :

My personal favorite? THESE! Color and comfort? Can't beat that.