sometimes I wonder...

We got a Christmas tree. The deal was great, we couldn't pass it, and with the kids wanting Christmas so much, there was no chance for it sitting in the box for any longer then the time it took to get it home from the store. We put it up, and took the decorations out, and seeing what was left... I couldn't help but wonder "why". Why people can be so cruel. Why some care more and others care none. And then ... Why it is that I so often want to please others so much, even at the expense of my own happiness...

Sometimes I wonder, why we meet people we do, what would happen if we could read hearts and minds, and what it would be like if we could replay the future knowing all the past. I honestly don't know if , given the change, I would do things different. Imagining the possibility... I think so. Not everything. But much.

I would speak up for myself and loved ones more. I would express my love more. I would do what matters to me more. I would give what I want to those I love more, protect , those I love, more, create more, listen to other's opinions less, be self more, care for rules and traditions less, listen to my heart more, support others in their ambitions more, please less, be self more, choose those I enclose more thoroughly, fly with the wind more often.

Definitely move to NYC sooner. Years earlier.

I forgot how wonderful it feels to do what you love and be who you are. And it is sad that for years I pretended to be someone I am really not. Not that what I did what was not good, or anything, but it was neither me , nor for me. Sad, that I conditioned myself to believe that it is ok and , even, possibly better for me. If I were to change one thing, I'd choose to free my heart sooner, and use all the opportunities - many as they were - to move earlier. Years earlier.

I forgot what it is like to be in the room where 10 out or 20 dancers are men , and those men dance just as good - or better - then some women; where the "bad" studio room interior is better then some "bests" I've spent my few last years at; where the cut off for youngest is 18 and where the majority of dancers are in their late 30s; I forgot what it feels like to be singled out as being one of the youngest with future, not oldest with history ; forgot what it feels like to perform to those that actually UNDERSTAND the art, and come to see BEAUTY not the "tricks" or "achievements"; forgot how wonderful it is to be in the place that has so much history and life; walk on the streets that are lined with trees and are full of other people, go to the little shops over large supermarkets; forgot what it's like to be in the place where life does not stop on Sundays, but rather completely opposite...

I wonder what life would be like when you do what you want to do and say what you want to say at the moment you feel you need to. Easier? Possibly. Less pain? Probably. Full of happiness? Surely.

I cannot say that I am either happy or grateful for certain past, certain people or decision to please someone else but God, and ... myself and "branches" of myself. But I have learned. Learned to trust God and Universe, Divine Love. Even when all logic goes against everything, And more. I used to believe that all the pain and sufferings are "tests" or "lessons". I don't anymore. God teaches by LOVE. Divine LOVE. It is the logic, or tradition, or "supposed to" that are the stumbling rocks on the way that hurt, or more : we hurt ourselves because we choose to pay attention to those more then trust Him. . Sometimes I wonder , if there will be time when all I do is follow what I feel is good. I hope so. Today, I am still learning.